Physical Weight

 I titled this because of the deeper meaning of weight. It's not just what you weigh, but what you energetically carry.

I have been anorexic, to the point of being hospitalized for malnutrition. At 15, at 5'5", I weighed 84 pounds.

I then became bulimic, eating and throwing up obsessively for many years.

By the way, over the years, I went to 4 psychologists and one psychiatrist for help and never got an answer.

Throughout my childhood I had watched my mother, who was a triathlete and tennis coach, who could not shed the extra 60 lbs she always carried no matter what diet she tried, or how many hours she worked out. She hated herself because of her weight. (So she thought)

When I became anorexic and became thin as a 12 yr old, she suddenly valued me and showed me off to my father, of all people.

I started shoplifting food daily, from age 15 to 18 to feed my addiction.

I have been up and down in weight.

There was a time when I truly believed I would rather be dead than fat. I understand that more deeply now, because to me, fat meant self-hatred, and there is nothing more hellish than self-hatred.

After years and years of self study, I found that the times that I become my ideal weight are the times that I do not intentionally exercise or diet at all.

It's not what you DO, but how you FEEL.

When I eat for the purpose of fueling my body, or for the purpose of pleasure, it doesn't matter what or  how much I eat, it results in a perfect, lithe form.

For example, when I was sleeping outside in Italy, I ate everything I could get my hands on, which was a lot, (brioche, whole pizzas, peanuts, lots of wine) and I continuously lost weight. And I did nothing but read books all day.  I walked a few hundred yards to the library, but I didn't exercise. In the traditional calories-in/ calories-out model, it did not compute. Now, you would think that situation would create lots of cortisol, which is blamed for weight gain. That chemical reaction may be true for some, but I was in a state of appreciation.

I appreciated that I had food to eat (much of which I stole, but I didn't care about that because I know we are all one and it all comes back around, which may sound crazy but there's a lot more to say about that). I appreciated that I had a place to go during the day.  I appreciated that I had a place to sleep (as uncomfortable and public as it was)

By the way, I went without any food at all for the first 8 days and never lost an ounce as far as I could tell. All my clothes fit the same.

I asked the universe for a bed, and the next day they gave me a hospital bed.

In Hawaii, at first I was living high on the hog, and then I was homeless again, but it wasn't until I was living on a lounge chair by a pool that I dropped 20 lbs in 3 months. 

I had changed my perspective of my value.

I had all the food and wine I wanted, and a relatively stable place to be. Even though I didn't feel as appreciated as I felt was warranted, (I was sharing my high vibration at a cost of lowering my own) I had the freedom to be myself and plenty of time to recoup my frequency. I realized it did matter whether the (unaware) client understood, it only mattered that I felt good.