Autism and Relationships

 My husband at the time was appalled that I didn't like Star Wars. I had seen one episode, and snatches of others, but I just couldn't watch it.

He was offended that something he loved was something I didn't like. He took it personally. Of course it's not personal.

For me as an autistic person, I was overwhelmed by the violence, the flashing lights, the loud music, the unpleasant-looking alien beings.  The battle scenes literally put me to sleep from the sensory overload.

I did see moments of sweetness and funny characters in R2d2 and C3PO. But the majority of the imagery was overwhelming for me.

There's probably wonderful wisdom in Star Wars about using the force. But this form is not for me.

Living in Luxury

 It took me 6 months in paradise to feel truly safe.

My rented home was burned down.

That made perfect sense to me.

I knew that this place would not last for long. Even though I enjoyed it and relished the comfort and relative privacy, it was far from what I wanted, and since I was changing rapidly, it couldn't stay the same.

As I escaped from the fires, I felt a sense of peace I'd never felt before.

I truly made peace with living in my car. For 16 days, I made myself at home. And made friends with a rooster. I was thrilled to be able to wash my hair in a public beach shower. I was thrilled to be able to drive people to the airport. I was thrilled to be able to buy food and drink and enjoy it in privacy

Then it was orchestrated that I met a friend in Target. She mentioned staying in a hotel, and I became aware of the possibility. I went to my car in the parking lot and called the Hilton. They set me up with a hotel that night.

I say it took me 6 months to feel safe because I felt pressure from the systems to complete my duty and behave...  I had to come to the realization that I create my own reality. The system has morphed itself to my wishes. Everyone is on my side 

For a while I believed it was up to bureaucracy to decide my fate. Nope. 

I create my reality. And it's all about satisfaction. And eagerness and willingness for FAR more. I've been living in this resort hotel on the beach for 7 months now. It's incredible! And I'm fed three times a day (if I like) It only gets better from here. As a launching-off point, it couldn't be better.

I realize I want more, but I'm sooo satisfied with what is. It's wonderful!

Homelessness and Worthiness

 I had three more bouts of homelessness.

They were short and relatively easy. And I learned a lot.

One was on the beach, and two were in a vehicle. 

One giant takeaway was that I felt free.

I felt free of rent and pressure to 'earn.' And to let go of control.

From number 2, I learned that a small gift of $65 can change a life.  (Thank you, kind woman at the Pioneer Hotel)

From that and other donations I was lead to Daniel and Hakuna Matata.

I leant my services and then rented a car... And I was on a roll. Not only of work and money and safety, but also of teaching and connecting and satisfaction.

The rest is another story of a narcissist and self-discovery on another level.

Resolution to Homelessness

 There were several points during my stint at homelessness that the universe sent me people to help me. My shame kept me from accepting their help. I couldn't admit to my situation.

At one point a beautiful man brought me a mattress to sleep on, where I had been on the back porch of a music school.

 I felt it meant that I would be more visible and more vulnerable to eviction. Also, at the time, there was a Christmas celebration and event happening in that courtyard. The police were sent to tell me to leave.

I felt I had no choice but to ask for help.

I texted a beloved teacher from my language school who immediately set me up with a free apartment for a week, plus a supply of food.

I did the thing I didn't want to do, which was to ask a friend for a plane ticket. He immediately complied. (Thank you, Jeff)

I got in touch with my ex, who told me he would 'arrange for me to be picked up' at the airport in Arizona, presumably by my kids.

In the meantime there was a discussion with him about staying in his parents' house nearby. They subsequently declined my access to the house because he had previously told them I was a drug addict (as I had participated in the cocaine he had bought for both of us). He was the addict.

Upon my arrival in Tucson at 11pm, there was no one there to pick me up.

I got a taxi to his house (the house I bought), found it locked. I broke in the window I knew was always unlocked, found my ex's wallet that he kept in the same place, and paid the taxi driver.

I woke my youngest, age 18, (whom I hadn't seen for over 2 years) to ask if I could share his king-sized bed and he agreed.

I cried while telling him I wished I could have been back sooner. He said, "You're here now."

The next day my ex called the police to evict me from the house. In the midst of the discussion with the hostile policeman, I asked to speak to my ex outside.

I told him I had been sleeping on the street for 5.5 months and I needed a bed and to see my kids. I never explained that I wasn't trying to move in, but that I needed a place to stay and that he had alienated me from his parents and the most logical place to stay.(I was too unwilling to hold him accountable for falsifying the divorce and promising to pick me up and for throwing me under the bus with his parents and for fear of embarrassing him... Putting other's needs ahead of my own)

He then arranged with my father for me to stay with him, with whom I had not spent more than 5 minutes alone, on the couch in his retirement home.

It was an enlightening stay with my father, who died shortly thereafter, so now I see that it was a necessary step in my journey.

Becoming Homeless

 My first experience living outside was in Italy. 

I was living on a small divorce settlement.

Before my job at the hotel ended because of the end of the tourist season, I had been living very well, with my own car and plenty of fulfilling work to do and horses to play with and lots of free time in a gorgeous environment while living in a wonderful hotel..

After 3 years in Italy, working as a volunteer for a hotel, having been given a free place to stay as I worked as a trekking guide and then helping them set up new avenues for revenue, I moved to Siena.  I stayed in a hotel for a few weeks, then enrolled in a language school. The school set me up with an apartment for a few months, and then another even better one for a few more months.

I finished school and was out of money. I had enough for 3 nights at a hotel and then asked various people for enough help to allow me to ultimately stay 6 weeks. Then my money ran out. I wasn't legal to stay in Italy, nor was it legal for me to work there. Though some friends tried to get me work, it was too risky for any employer to hire illegal workers.

I had been expecting the universe to deliver another form of income or a windfall, but I had been so obsessively worried every day, the only path was through.  The path that would expose me to the most contrast while also showing me no choice but to wake up and pay attention to my guidance.

My first night outside was at an Italian wedding. It was a park at the university where a wedding formed in front of me.

The music was profoundly uplifting (Don't Worry, Be Happy kind of thing) It actually made me cry with appreciation for the obvious messages.

I was (felt) entirely invisible as they ate and drank and danced while I stoically fought my own hunger. However, between the music and the angel numbers I kept catching on my phone, I felt supported.

After the wedding, I slept on the cold, wet grass and shivered. In the morning I drank a leftover beer I found for breakfast.

I lived outside for 5 and a half months.

Both the injustices and the joy I felt will stay with me forever.

More detail to come

Physical Weight

 I titled this because of the deeper meaning of weight. It's not just what you weigh, but what you energetically carry.

I have been anorexic, to the point of being hospitalized for malnutrition. At 15, at 5'5", I weighed 84 pounds.

I then became bulimic, eating and throwing up obsessively for many years.

By the way, over the years, I went to 4 psychologists and one psychiatrist for help and never got an answer.

Throughout my childhood I had watched my mother, who was a triathlete and tennis coach, who could not shed the extra 60 lbs she always carried no matter what diet she tried, or how many hours she worked out. She hated herself because of her weight. (So she thought)

When I became anorexic and became thin as a 12 yr old, she suddenly valued me and showed me off to my father, of all people.

I started shoplifting food daily, from age 15 to 18 to feed my addiction.

I have been up and down in weight.

There was a time when I truly believed I would rather be dead than fat. I understand that more deeply now, because to me, fat meant self-hatred, and there is nothing more hellish than self-hatred.

After years and years of self study, I found that the times that I become my ideal weight are the times that I do not intentionally exercise or diet at all.

It's not what you DO, but how you FEEL.

When I eat for the purpose of fueling my body, or for the purpose of pleasure, it doesn't matter what or  how much I eat, it results in a perfect, lithe form.

For example, when I was sleeping outside in Italy, I ate everything I could get my hands on, which was a lot, (brioche, whole pizzas, peanuts, lots of wine) and I continuously lost weight. And I did nothing but read books all day.  I walked a few hundred yards to the library, but I didn't exercise. In the traditional calories-in/ calories-out model, it did not compute. Now, you would think that situation would create lots of cortisol, which is blamed for weight gain. That chemical reaction may be true for some, but I was in a state of appreciation.

I appreciated that I had food to eat (much of which I stole, but I didn't care about that because I know we are all one and it all comes back around, which may sound crazy but there's a lot more to say about that). I appreciated that I had a place to go during the day.  I appreciated that I had a place to sleep (as uncomfortable and public as it was)

By the way, I went without any food at all for the first 8 days and never lost an ounce as far as I could tell. All my clothes fit the same.

I asked the universe for a bed, and the next day they gave me a hospital bed.

In Hawaii, at first I was living high on the hog, and then I was homeless again, but it wasn't until I was living on a lounge chair by a pool that I dropped 20 lbs in 3 months. 

I had changed my perspective of my value.

I had all the food and wine I wanted, and a relatively stable place to be. Even though I didn't feel as appreciated as I felt was warranted, (I was sharing my high vibration at a cost of lowering my own) I had the freedom to be myself and plenty of time to recoup my frequency. I realized it did matter whether the (unaware) client understood, it only mattered that I felt good. 

Communication with animals

 Walking on a forest trail in Italy, I was happily thinking about the deer I had seen a couple of days before.

In that moment, a doe bounded across my path and disappeared into the woods, closely followed by a large buck. The buck stopped on the path and faced me.

I gasped at the surprise, then immediately thanked him for stopping and told him how beautiful he was. I agreed that I only had two legs, and how it must be more fun and efficient to run through the forest with four legs. He seemed to be unfamiliar with humans and was interested in my scent, as he frequently sniffed the air. After about 5 minutes of admiration, I said, "You should probably go find your Mrs.(Missus, wife, girlfriend)" He immediately answered with a bark (I didn't know deer could bark), and he then pivoted to his right and bounded in the direction of the doe.

I knew that he had understood every word I projected (in an energetic translation.)

I'll never forget that interaction and knowing that we were speaking the same (energetic) language.