I spent a great deal of time and negative thought and emotion trying to save a marriage I didn't even want. I had convinced myself I did want to stay together, but only because of fear of the absence of the relationship. Partly because it felt as if love was being taken away, which is never the case, because love is internal, not a commodity to be earned. Also, I had no money and was worrying about where to go and what to do. And other random nagging day to day things were bothering me, such as the desire for a new car I saw no way of getting.
Then one day I was in a car crash. There are no accidents. A young woman pulled in front if my car. The impact broke my sternum.
In the nano seconds after impact and careening to a stop, I knew immediately why this just happened. And I was grateful. My first thought was, "I did this." Followed by, "Oh good, a new car. And a small pile of money from the other driver's insurance." Then, "Oh my god I've broken my sternum and it's because I been obsessed with my 'broken heart.'" It was a blessing on all counts. I needed a wake-up call to realize I had been thinking all wrong about the marriage.
The wonderous, joyous thing about negative emotion, and when ignored, negative manifestations, is that the intensity of the emotions is the degree to which you are disagreeing with your inner being. Your solutions and things you desire have already been created, and your negative emotion tells you you're barking up the wrong tree.
After realizing that I had just received the message loud and clear to stop fighting against the divorce, I became utterly calm and clear and at peace with the perfection of it. This was just a step along the way to make way for all the amazing things that were about to come next.
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