Autism and Relationships

 My husband at the time was appalled that I didn't like Star Wars. I had seen one episode, and snatches of others, but I just couldn't watch it.

He was offended that something he loved was something I didn't like. He took it personally. Of course it's not personal.

For me as an autistic person, I was overwhelmed by the violence, the flashing lights, the loud music, the unpleasant-looking alien beings.  The battle scenes literally put me to sleep from the sensory overload.

I did see moments of sweetness and funny characters in R2d2 and C3PO. But the majority of the imagery was overwhelming for me.

There's probably wonderful wisdom in Star Wars about using the force. But this form is not for me.

Living in Luxury

 It took me 6 months in paradise to feel truly safe.

My rented home was burned down.

That made perfect sense to me.

I knew that this place would not last for long. Even though I enjoyed it and relished the comfort and relative privacy, it was far from what I wanted, and since I was changing rapidly, it couldn't stay the same.

As I escaped from the fires, I felt a sense of peace I'd never felt before.

I truly made peace with living in my car. For 16 days, I made myself at home. And made friends with a rooster. I was thrilled to be able to wash my hair in a public beach shower. I was thrilled to be able to drive people to the airport. I was thrilled to be able to buy food and drink and enjoy it in privacy

Then it was orchestrated that I met a friend in Target. She mentioned staying in a hotel, and I became aware of the possibility. I went to my car in the parking lot and called the Hilton. They set me up with a hotel that night.

I say it took me 6 months to feel safe because I felt pressure from the systems to complete my duty and behave...  I had to come to the realization that I create my own reality. The system has morphed itself to my wishes. Everyone is on my side 

For a while I believed it was up to bureaucracy to decide my fate. Nope. 

I create my reality. And it's all about satisfaction. And eagerness and willingness for FAR more. I've been living in this resort hotel on the beach for 7 months now. It's incredible! And I'm fed three times a day (if I like) It only gets better from here. As a launching-off point, it couldn't be better.

I realize I want more, but I'm sooo satisfied with what is. It's wonderful!

Homelessness and Worthiness

 I had three more bouts of homelessness.

They were short and relatively easy. And I learned a lot.

One was on the beach, and two were in a vehicle. 

One giant takeaway was that I felt free.

I felt free of rent and pressure to 'earn.' And to let go of control.

From number 2, I learned that a small gift of $65 can change a life.  (Thank you, kind woman at the Pioneer Hotel)

From that and other donations I was lead to Daniel and Hakuna Matata.

I leant my services and then rented a car... And I was on a roll. Not only of work and money and safety, but also of teaching and connecting and satisfaction.

The rest is another story of a narcissist and self-discovery on another level.

Resolution to Homelessness

 There were several points during my stint at homelessness that the universe sent me people to help me. My shame kept me from accepting their help. I couldn't admit to my situation.

At one point a beautiful man brought me a mattress to sleep on, where I had been on the back porch of a music school.

 I felt it meant that I would be more visible and more vulnerable to eviction. Also, at the time, there was a Christmas celebration and event happening in that courtyard. The police were sent to tell me to leave.

I felt I had no choice but to ask for help.

I texted a beloved teacher from my language school who immediately set me up with a free apartment for a week, plus a supply of food.

I did the thing I didn't want to do, which was to ask a friend for a plane ticket. He immediately complied. (Thank you, Jeff)

I got in touch with my ex, who told me he would 'arrange for me to be picked up' at the airport in Arizona, presumably by my kids.

In the meantime there was a discussion with him about staying in his parents' house nearby. They subsequently declined my access to the house because he had previously told them I was a drug addict (as I had participated in the cocaine he had bought for both of us). He was the addict.

Upon my arrival in Tucson at 11pm, there was no one there to pick me up.

I got a taxi to his house (the house I bought), found it locked. I broke in the window I knew was always unlocked, found my ex's wallet that he kept in the same place, and paid the taxi driver.

I woke my youngest, age 18, (whom I hadn't seen for over 2 years) to ask if I could share his king-sized bed and he agreed.

I cried while telling him I wished I could have been back sooner. He said, "You're here now."

The next day my ex called the police to evict me from the house. In the midst of the discussion with the hostile policeman, I asked to speak to my ex outside.

I told him I had been sleeping on the street for 5.5 months and I needed a bed and to see my kids. I never explained that I wasn't trying to move in, but that I needed a place to stay and that he had alienated me from his parents and the most logical place to stay.(I was too unwilling to hold him accountable for falsifying the divorce and promising to pick me up and for throwing me under the bus with his parents and for fear of embarrassing him... Putting other's needs ahead of my own)

He then arranged with my father for me to stay with him, with whom I had not spent more than 5 minutes alone, on the couch in his retirement home.

It was an enlightening stay with my father, who died shortly thereafter, so now I see that it was a necessary step in my journey.

Becoming Homeless

 My first experience living outside was in Italy. 

I was living on a small divorce settlement.

Before my job at the hotel ended because of the end of the tourist season, I had been living very well, with my own car and plenty of fulfilling work to do and horses to play with and lots of free time in a gorgeous environment while living in a wonderful hotel..

After 3 years in Italy, working as a volunteer for a hotel, having been given a free place to stay as I worked as a trekking guide and then helping them set up new avenues for revenue, I moved to Siena.  I stayed in a hotel for a few weeks, then enrolled in a language school. The school set me up with an apartment for a few months, and then another even better one for a few more months.

I finished school and was out of money. I had enough for 3 nights at a hotel and then asked various people for enough help to allow me to ultimately stay 6 weeks. Then my money ran out. I wasn't legal to stay in Italy, nor was it legal for me to work there. Though some friends tried to get me work, it was too risky for any employer to hire illegal workers.

I had been expecting the universe to deliver another form of income or a windfall, but I had been so obsessively worried every day, the only path was through.  The path that would expose me to the most contrast while also showing me no choice but to wake up and pay attention to my guidance.

My first night outside was at an Italian wedding. It was a park at the university where a wedding formed in front of me.

The music was profoundly uplifting (Don't Worry, Be Happy kind of thing) It actually made me cry with appreciation for the obvious messages.

I was (felt) entirely invisible as they ate and drank and danced while I stoically fought my own hunger. However, between the music and the angel numbers I kept catching on my phone, I felt supported.

After the wedding, I slept on the cold, wet grass and shivered. In the morning I drank a leftover beer I found for breakfast.

I lived outside for 5 and a half months.

Both the injustices and the joy I felt will stay with me forever.

More detail to come

Physical Weight

 I titled this because of the deeper meaning of weight. It's not just what you weigh, but what you energetically carry.

I have been anorexic, to the point of being hospitalized for malnutrition. At 15, at 5'5", I weighed 84 pounds.

I then became bulimic, eating and throwing up obsessively for many years.

By the way, over the years, I went to 4 psychologists and one psychiatrist for help and never got an answer.

Throughout my childhood I had watched my mother, who was a triathlete and tennis coach, who could not shed the extra 60 lbs she always carried no matter what diet she tried, or how many hours she worked out. She hated herself because of her weight. (So she thought)

When I became anorexic and became thin as a 12 yr old, she suddenly valued me and showed me off to my father, of all people.

I started shoplifting food daily, from age 15 to 18 to feed my addiction.

I have been up and down in weight.

There was a time when I truly believed I would rather be dead than fat. I understand that more deeply now, because to me, fat meant self-hatred, and there is nothing more hellish than self-hatred.

After years and years of self study, I found that the times that I become my ideal weight are the times that I do not intentionally exercise or diet at all.

It's not what you DO, but how you FEEL.

When I eat for the purpose of fueling my body, or for the purpose of pleasure, it doesn't matter what or  how much I eat, it results in a perfect, lithe form.

For example, when I was sleeping outside in Italy, I ate everything I could get my hands on, which was a lot, (brioche, whole pizzas, peanuts, lots of wine) and I continuously lost weight. And I did nothing but read books all day.  I walked a few hundred yards to the library, but I didn't exercise. In the traditional calories-in/ calories-out model, it did not compute. Now, you would think that situation would create lots of cortisol, which is blamed for weight gain. That chemical reaction may be true for some, but I was in a state of appreciation.

I appreciated that I had food to eat (much of which I stole, but I didn't care about that because I know we are all one and it all comes back around, which may sound crazy but there's a lot more to say about that). I appreciated that I had a place to go during the day.  I appreciated that I had a place to sleep (as uncomfortable and public as it was)

By the way, I went without any food at all for the first 8 days and never lost an ounce as far as I could tell. All my clothes fit the same.

I asked the universe for a bed, and the next day they gave me a hospital bed.

In Hawaii, at first I was living high on the hog, and then I was homeless again, but it wasn't until I was living on a lounge chair by a pool that I dropped 20 lbs in 3 months. 

I had changed my perspective of my value.

I had all the food and wine I wanted, and a relatively stable place to be. Even though I didn't feel as appreciated as I felt was warranted, (I was sharing my high vibration at a cost of lowering my own) I had the freedom to be myself and plenty of time to recoup my frequency. I realized it did matter whether the (unaware) client understood, it only mattered that I felt good. 

Communication with animals

 Walking on a forest trail in Italy, I was happily thinking about the deer I had seen a couple of days before.

In that moment, a doe bounded across my path and disappeared into the woods, closely followed by a large buck. The buck stopped on the path and faced me.

I gasped at the surprise, then immediately thanked him for stopping and told him how beautiful he was. I agreed that I only had two legs, and how it must be more fun and efficient to run through the forest with four legs. He seemed to be unfamiliar with humans and was interested in my scent, as he frequently sniffed the air. After about 5 minutes of admiration, I said, "You should probably go find your Mrs.(Missus, wife, girlfriend)" He immediately answered with a bark (I didn't know deer could bark), and he then pivoted to his right and bounded in the direction of the doe.

I knew that he had understood every word I projected (in an energetic translation.)

I'll never forget that interaction and knowing that we were speaking the same (energetic) language.

The Voice in your Head

 One of the most important things I have realized is the understanding of the voice in our heads.  You can call it ego, psyche, sympathetic nervous system activation, protector, chatty annoying roommate... It is all of those things.

That voice talking to you is not you.

You, your soul, are the awareness of that voice.

The ego voice talks, narrates, warns, worries, judges, criticizes all day, every second of your day, unless you are sleeping or purposely directing your focus.  When you are purposely directing your focus in a positive way, you are in the present moment where you are RECEIVING positive thoughts and solutions, not generating negative thoughts and expanding your problems. As you know, what you focus upon expands. 

None of the things the voice is saying are real. They are interpretations of data that have been filtered through your belief system, most of which you formed erroneously before you were 7 years old. (If this happens, this must be true, for example)

The voice is trying to protect you, in a similar way that a horse runs away when seeing a trash can for the first time. He is having an emotional and then physical fight or flight response to a perceived threat.

The difference between you and the horse is the horse's recovery time.  The horse needs to save his energy, and since he wasn't eaten in that moment, his parasympathetic nervous system kicks in and within seconds he is perfectly calm and content again.

 You, when you hear a troublesome thought (see a trash can) will follow the train of thought and become emotionally caught up in the thread. You then think "what will I do?" in the face of this problem....  Your sympathetic nervous system is activated and remains so until you change the subject. But you find it hard to change the subject because after only 68 seconds you have built up substantial momentum in a negative direction. Your sympathetic nervous system is overactive. But it can be trained to relax and come back to the present moment where all your peace resides.

Most problems go away by themselves when you take your attention off of them.  Some problems require some action on your part, but what action?  Only inspired action will bring the results that best serve you.

Inspired action is an impulse to act which you receive when you are back in a calm and relaxed state.

The calm and relaxed state is called the receiving mode.

In order to learn to be the observer of the chatty voice, rather than the reactor, meditation is key.

Meditation is allowing yourself 15 quiet minutes per day to practice being aware of the voice and re-focusing on a sound. Over and over and over, until the gaps between the voice-thoughts get a little wider and you begin to feel in control of your focus. 

Over time you will begin to feel a peaceful sense of detachment. Your body may twitch and tingle and to go pleasantly numb. You may get to a place where you can no longer feel the chair you're sitting in. 

Eventually you may begin to hear the real you, saying lovely brilliant uplifting things. Or you may hear the answer to a question.

For me the answers pour in not during meditation, but later, while doing something mundane like brushing my teeth.

Now, having worked your focusing ability in meditation, you will have the skill to ignore the unhelpful chatter in your daily life, which will allow you to stay in the present where you feel good, and you are able to receive all the solutions and answers you need.

Maui, Hawaii

 I've been in Hawaii for a year and a half now, and I have so much more to write!

I have massive new insights, techniques, tools and experiences to share.

Come along! Let's keep going. It gets better and better.

My Italian life...

 I spent the next 4 years in Italy.

The first year, I took the journey back to Arizona to pick up 3 of my youngest kids, twins age 12, and their brother, age 13. They spent the summer with me in Italy. They loved it. I worked and bounced between Italy and Arizona for the next i couple of years while I developed the company.

By year 3 in Italy, after handing over the business to the owners of the hotel, I found myself living on the street in Siena for 5 and a half months.

I didn't tell anyone of my dilemma except for one Italian friend who gave me €50 per week to survive.

Meanwhile, I developed a relationship with Source.  I finally realized I was being guided and taken care of in every moment.

I asked for specific food, and it was delivered to me.  I asked for cigarettes, and they were delivered to me. 

I asked for a bed with white sheets... And received an image of a hospital bed... I said, "Not that kind of bed!"....  The next day I was in a hospital bed with appendicitis.  It turned out to be a wonderful 3-day experience filled with love and respect.

Eventually I asked for help from a local friend and was immediately given an apartment for a week.  I then asked another friend for a plane ticket. He had air miles, so gave them for free.  I flew to stay with my father in Arizona, who knew nothing of my experience. There I had food and shelter and the love my father was capable of, which was little, but much more than I expected.

After staying with him for a couple of months, I was offered an opportunity to help a friend (former boyfriend from high school) in Florida.  I went to Florida and helped the friend find a house.   I later realized he was alcoholic and narcissistic, but the reward was the upper story of a house to myself, privacy, and nearly limitless budget, which allowed me to lease a horse.  My intention was to help him feel better about himself by raising ducks, adopting a dog, putting in a pool to exercise in...  And teaching him about energy...  It worked for a while...Then he became more morose and stuck in his addictions.

That relationship became untenable...He kicked me out (then refused to admit he ha kicked me out,)

It was the perfect opportunity to decide to find a new place to live.

Going to Italy

I was getting a divorce and wanted to go on a vacation by myself.

I knew I wanted to go to Europe somewhere.

 I applied to be a horse trekking guide at a hotel in Tuscany after seeing an ad on the interwebs.

I had never been to Tuscany but the idea of trekking on horseback was irresistible.

The hotel told me I couldn't have the job because it was only for students, since it was a work-trade situation.

I was so drawn to the location I said I would come anyway and stay as a guest for a little while.  I didn't have money to stay for long.

The owners of the hotel picked me up from the airport, and during the 45 min drive they talked to me ...

They then said, the manager of the trekking program had just broken her arm... Could I take over her role?  And by the way do you speak German?

Yes! Yes I can, and yes I do!

The day after i arrived in the country I was on horseback leading a trek with a hand-drawn map, speaking German, through vineyards and forests of Tuscany.

Over the next two weeks, I was talking to the other guests on the porch in the evenings and i realized half of them were not riders. They didn't have much to do.  They were there with their horsey partners.

I suggested to the owners that they offer excursions by car...  They said, "YES,! That's a great idea. Let's start a company together, include other hotels, and you be the president.". 

I said, Okay, let's do that!"

Instant Manifestations

The following is a compilation of examples of little things which manifested immediately.  I can name hundreds of these, but these are to first to pop into my head.
I'll preface these stories also by saying that I have practiced guiding myself back into the vortex with dexterity, so now I can say that on a day-to-day basis I'm in the vortex about 90% of the time. This is why I'm in a near constant state of receiving delightful things I want.

FLYING
I was going to fly from Italy to the US.  When I arrived at the airport, I was given a horrible seat assignment; in the back, in the middle.
I could have asked for a change of seats, but I knew the Universe must have something nice in mind for me.  I had recently learned the value of not taking action to change a circumstance.  I learned the value of not taking action at all unless I feel an in-the-vortex inspiration.
I told myself maybe I'll be sitting next to someone amazing, or there will be no one near me and I can lie down...
As I boarded the plane, the flight attendant checked my ticket and said to the gentleman in 1A, "Is this the seat you want sir?"  He said yes, and she said to me, "Would you like to fly First Class?"

APPLES
I was standing on my back porch in Italy, looking at the gorgeous, ripe, red apples on a tree up the hill.  I contemplated how they might taste and wondered how to get up the hill and up the tree to get some.  I noticed I didn't have any inclination to do that.
Later that same day I was again standing outside when two red apples rolled down the street.  I laughed at what I thought must be apple races being played by some kids.  A moment passed with no one in sight.  Then two more apples rolled by.
"Oh! Those are for me!"
I walked a few yards outside my back door, and there they were, 4 beautiful apples.  Delicious.

DEER
I was walking in the forest, thinking about an encounter I had had with some deer a few days prior.  I have a long history of manifesting deer, so thinking about them always feels good.  Encounters with wildlife, especially deer, thrill me, so it happens again and again.
After about a minute of happy contemplation, a doe bounced by, followed immediately by a buck.
The buck stopped (here!... accidental pun) in front of me and faced me.  He radiated curiosity.
I spoke to him for many minutes, telling him how beautiful he was.  He stayed for a long time, wiggling his nose to smell me.
Eventually I said in my mind, "You'd better go find your Mrs."  At that precise moment, he leaped away, barking, in the direction of his mate.

HAIR CLIP
I had my three boys with me for the summer in Italy.  They were 13, 13, and 14.
I had been wearing my hair in a scrunchy.  Not very fashionable, and leaving a crease in my hair.
I imagined it would be much nicer to have a hair clip with little teeth.  I pictured a little brown one, but I didn't do anything about it or say anything about it.
Two days later, the boys and I were at the beach.  It was about 9pm and dark outside, except for the moon and stars.  The boys were diving in the Tirranean Sea, finding hermit crabs.
At one point, Dane said he had found a hair clip, but had dropped it.
I said, "Oh! I want one of those!  Can you find it again?"
They all went back in the water and almost immediately Ian found it. It was small and brown and exactly what I had pictured.

MONEY
I was in Italy, wanting to go to the US to see my boys.  I didn't have the money for a trip and I was getting a bit distressed about it.  It was weighing on my mind.  I can't stand feeling worried, so I went to bed and told myself to drop it.
I said some general statements to myself that everything always works itself out.  I'm fine. There's nothing I can do about it right this minute anyway..
I did a meditation game, thinking of positive emotional words in alphabetical order.
I felt much better and rolled over to go to sleep.
Just then a message pinged on my phone.
It was an old friend in the US asking when I could come visit.  I said that I would like to, but didn't have the funds.  He said he'd be happy to pay. Two minutes later, I had $1500 in my bank account and went to the US two weeks later.

WINDOWS
One day I was thinking about what I'd like to do with money.  It's a fun game I sometimes play.
I decided I wanted some really nice windows; the kind that open in several directions and they're beautiful and functional...
Two months later when I was shown a apartment I would rent in Italy, there they were; the exact windows I wanted.

CAR
I decided I would like a bigger car. I liked the car I had, but I was tired of it and imagined something that could carry more people comfortably. I decided it should be a big, white SUV.  I said nothing about it. It was just a nice thought.
The next evening my husband at the time came home from work and asked if I would like a Nissan Armada.  A friend needed to get rid of it and it would cost less than half the payments of the car I had. The next day it was in our driveway.

TV
Earlier this year in my apartment in Italy, I was watching television on the big flatscreen in the kitchen.  The chairs are not comfortable in the kitchen, so I wished for the ability to watch on the couch in the living room.  The old tv in the living room didn't work, so I appreciated the nice TV in the kitchen anyway.
I went to the US for two months, and upon my return found a new flatscreen TV in the living room.

EXCEMA
I was due to go on a blind date. I was feeling self conscious about my appearance over a few days prior and subsequently developed an even more self-conscious-making manifestation:  excema on my arms.  I recognized the negative manifestation as an indication of my negative thoughts.  I soothed myself with gentle, positive statements and the rash disappeared overnight.

LAYOVERS
I fly between Arizona and Italy often.  It's a very long day.  On one leg, between JFK and London, I daydreamed about having a two day layover in London. I wanted to break up the trip and have a little adventure.  When I landed in London I was told I'd missed my connection to Pisa and the next available flight was in two days.  Perfect.
I stayed in a stunning hotel in London, took double-decker bus tours and a river tour, and met wonderful, unforgettable people.

On another trip from Pisa to Tucson, I wished for a layover in Chicago.  I was tired and dreaming of fluffy bed and feather pillows (neither of which I had in Italy).  When we landed I was told my connection was missed and I must stay in Chicago.  I was greeted in the gorgeous hotel, paid for by the airline, by a big fluffy bed and 5 brand new feather pillows.  I had a 5-star dinner, after which I was told the dinner was also covered by the airline.  The next morning the complimentary breakfast was an american feast of eggs, bacon, steel cut oats and bottomless coffee while spontaneously playing a game of Name That Tune with a genial stranger.  Unforgettable wonderfulness.

RAIN AND PERFECT TIMING
One day I noticed the plants in my front yard were looking wilted. It was well over 100 degrees and not a cloud in the sky.  I thought, "Should I turn on the irrigation?"  Followed by, "Nah, it'll rain soon." Within an hour it started to rain and continued for 2 hours.

On another occasion, I went for a trail ride with a friend.  It was a warm, sunny day, and I remarked that it would be nice if we got a sprinkle at the end of our ride.  10 minutes from home we were riding in gentle rain.

Last summer in Italy, I went for an long walk to another town.  Mid-way, I noticed it looked like rain.  I was wearing a thin, pink t-shirt, that if it got wet, would be entirely see-through.  My route back home was directly through town, so if I got wet, it would be like walking naked through town.
I knew I didn't want that, so I generalized that all would be well.  I told myself that either it won't rain, or if it did, someone would pick me up. (even though I hadn't seen a car the entire time I was walking)
I dropped the subject and focused instead upon taking photos.
The moment it started to rain, a car appeared out of nowhere and offered me a ride.  It was my next door neighbor.

A few weeks ago here in Italy we had a very rainy several days in a row.  I love being inside when it's cold and rainy, but I needed to go to the store for food.  I waited until I was inspired to leave, and as I walked outside the rain stopped.
I walked to my car just as a woman was starting out for a walk.  I asked if she needed a ride and she gratefully accepted.  She speaks only Italian, and she speaks very fast, but I was in a clear, happy state of mind and in my limited Italian I was able to understand everything she said.  It was a joyful, giggly connection.
The moment I walked back into the house it started raining again in earnest and didn't stop for the rest of the day.

Trying to Control the Uncontrollable

This is about one of my kids, but the concept applies to everything.
When he was in kindergarten, I got his teacher fired.  She was doing a terrible job, in my opinion at the time.
When he was in 2nd grade, I almost succeeded in getting his teacher fired.  She kept kicking him out of the classroom for not paying attention.
When he was in 5th grade, I got his teacher fired.  He was too tough and mean...
Then I woke up, and realized I was butting my nose in where it didn't belong.  He didn't come here in this lifetime for a limp, follow-the-leader ride.  He came to be different.  To  forge his own path.
I wasn't helping him by eliminating everything that would cause him to create more.  He's a creator. Let him create.  And law of attraction brings everyone together for this very reason.

He called me last night. He's now 15 and in high school.  I'm living and working most of the year in Italy.
He was brimming with enthusiasm about school.  He's so proud of himself for doing so well and enjoying everything about his life.

It brought happy tears to my eyes, knowing my decision to let go of controlling the uncontrollable had paid off; for me, for him, and everyone else in our lives.

Broken Heart, Broken Sternum

I spent a great deal of time and negative thought and emotion trying to save a marriage I didn't even want.  I had convinced myself I did want to stay together, but only because of fear of the absence of the relationship.  Partly because it felt as if love was being taken away, which is never the case, because love is internal, not a commodity to be earned.  Also, I had no money and was worrying about where to go and what to do.  And other random nagging day to day things were bothering me, such as the desire for a new car I saw no way of getting.

Then one day I was in a car crash.  There are no accidents.  A young woman pulled in front if my car. The impact broke my sternum.

In the nano seconds after impact and careening to a stop, I knew immediately why this just happened.  And I was grateful.  My first thought was, "I did this."  Followed by, "Oh good, a new car. And a small pile of money from the other driver's insurance."  Then, "Oh my god I've broken my sternum and it's because I been obsessed with my 'broken heart.'"  It was a blessing on all counts.  I needed a wake-up call to realize I had been thinking all wrong about the marriage.

The wonderous, joyous thing about negative emotion, and when ignored, negative manifestations, is that the intensity of the emotions is the degree to which you are disagreeing with your inner being.  Your solutions and things you desire have already been created, and your negative emotion tells you you're barking up the wrong tree.

After realizing that I had just received the message loud and clear to stop fighting against the divorce, I became utterly calm and clear and at peace with the perfection of it.  This was just a step along the way to make way for all the amazing things that were about to come next.

Taking a Leap of Faith

In 2014, I was accepting the reality of divorce.
I wanted to go somewhere, almost anywhere, to spend some time alone.  To see what new perspectives I could find.
I didn't know where I wanted to go.  I thought of going to Africa, to volunteer in some capacity.

I was talking to a friend on the phone.  We were both in a great mood, talking about life and experiences.  I said that I could live anywhere.
The things I said I liked were: walking everywhere, mucking out a barn, living in a city, living in the countryside, living near a forest, living near a beach, speaking another language...  And wouldn't it be fun to live in a hotel, where you could meet new people every day?

A short time later, I was Googling something random, and came across the words 'working vacation.'  I had never heard of such a concept, and it sounded intriguing.  I clicked on the link and it led me to the website of a hotel in Tuscany, Italy.
The hotel had 17 horses, and offered treks for their guests.  The working vacation was to be a guide for trekking in exchange for room and board.
I had a visceral longing to be there.

I emailed the hotel to ask if I could work there. They emailed back to say, No, sorry... We can only have students in this capacity.

I had such a strong feeling for this place, without knowing why, so I decided to go anyway.
By the way, at this point I had not a dime to my name.  I only imagined there were funds somewhere available to me to allow me to go.
Just then my soon-to-be ex gave me $6,000 as a sort of pre-divorce settlement.  Little did I know that was all he intended to give... But anyway, it was enough to go.
Yes, I had lived in Europe as a teenager, going to high school in Belgium, but I had never been to Tuscany, I didn't speak Italian, my German language knowledge was from high school, and I hadn't been on a horse in ten years.
I purchased a round trip ticket with a 2-month return date.
On the day of my arrival, at a stunning sunrise in Pisa, I realized my cell phone had no signal.
I met a man who spoke English to help me make a call on a public phone to reach the owners of the hotel to arrange to pick me up in Follonica, after having taken the train from Pisa.

During the car ride to the hotel, the owner told me the manager of a stable nearby had broken her arm, and from that moment I was unceremoniously given a job managing a stable, giving riding lessons in German (the knowledge of which magically came back to me), and leading treks through the rolling hills of Tuscany.  Really?

I took a leap, and already it was paying off.
But there's more.

The hotel was everything I had been thinking and talking about with my friend on the phone.  And then some.  It was in a forest, near a beach, I could walk everwhere, I could speak another language, I could muck out the barn, which comes with working with horses, my true love..., it was next to a medieval city and near other bigger cities, the stable was in the countryside, I was living in a hotel meeting happy new people every day... Plus there were the other benefits I had forgotten were on my list: Having someone else cook for me; all my meals were cooked by the chef of the hotel, and driving a manual transmission car! On fun, winding roads, no less.

After two weeks of riding and teaching, I realized I wanted more.  I didn't know exactly what I wanted, but I did know what I didn't want.  Same thing, really, in the vibrational sense.

At that point I had developed physical symptoms of resistance.  I didn't like working on someone else's schedule, and that was enough to make me very sick.  I came down with a flu-type illness. Several blissful days were spent in bed.  The understanding of that manifestation didn't escape me.
Also, I had noticed that whenever I was doing something that made me uncomfortable,  like staying for dinner when I didn't want to, I had developed a cough.  It was a post-nasal drip sort of cough.  It only appeared when I felt uncomfortable, but it was very sensitive to any sort of negative thought, and persisted for 3 months. I met a client who understood my symptom and recommended a meditation which said, in short, "I have this symptom, and I accept myself completely."  When I did this meditation for just a few moments, the cough disappeared for days.

Anyway, after two weeks of teaching and managing the stable, the season ended, and the hotel owners asked me what I wanted to do, since I still had 6 weeks of vacation remaining.
I said I didn't know, but I did know that since I had been talking to guests every night, I determined the hotel could be making more money by offering excursions by car.  The owners agreed at once and declared on the spot to start a new company with me, offering excursions for sightseeing, wine tasting, sailing, etc.

So now, after taking a leap of faith that this place seemed to be good for me, without knowing why, it delivered not only the environment I wanted, with all the bells and whistles, plus more I had forgotten. It also delivered a little contrast, from which I could create more independence.  And an avenue to create even more of what I want...

Stop Noticing the Absence of Something You Want

I had a question from a friend about howvto manifest a partner.
She said she felt lonely and that all the good guys are taken and what can she do to find him?

The answer is stop thinking about the absence of him.

Here is why:  You create your own reality because the universe delivers what you think about.
Everything is energy, including your thoughts. You are broadcasting a signal, positive or negative, in every waking moment.
It's the same for every subject, whether it's a mate or money or health or whatever.  If you're thinking, "Where is it?", "Why does she get a mate and I don't?", "What's wrong with me?", "I need this.", "When do I get to be happy?" ....  You are projecting a signal that delivers more of the same: ABSENCE of what you want.

I wrote a post on this blog years ago entitled 'Looking for Deer.'  I had been eager to see deer on my hikes, and for 2 years I saw not a single deer.  Once I realized I was creating my reality of the absence of deer....  Because all I could think was, "No deer here",  "Nope I don't see one yet."  After a while I got tired of feeling bad about not seeing them.  So I GAVE UP.
I decided my hikes were enjoyable just as they were.  I decided to shift my perspective and instead of focusing on what I didn't like, I decided to look for things to appreciate and drop the subject of deer.
I liked the way it felt to move my body and feel my efficient muscles.  I like the weather and the flowers and the birds and after only a few minutes of this, I found that I was getting high on appreciation.  It didn't MATTER that there were no deer.  I was feeling incredible.
The very next day, 4 deer met me on the trail.  For a long time they stayed so close I could see their eyelashes.  I was swept with the feeling of incredible power that I created this situation.  But it was because I had been feeling high and powerful YESTERDAY.  I had changed my vibrational signal.
From then on for several more years I had close encounters with deer every single day.  But everything else changed too...

I've manifested hundreds and hundreds of things, big and small, in this very way.  Children, a job in Italy, money, adventures, friends, a glass of wine, a chef to cook for me, lovers, mates, horses, luxury, stunning places to live, cars...  But mostly I've created ease and tranquility and more things to appreciate.

The universe knows exactly what you want.  You've chosen them very specifically over years of sorting through what you like and what you don't like.  Your only job now is to relax and enjoy as much of NOW as you can muster.  Then you will be astonished at what, or who, shows up.

Decisions

Make NO decisions while in a bad mood.
What constitutes a bad mood?

Frustrated, irritated, upset, "right," mad, vengeful, disappointed, discouraged, sad, wronged, guilty, embarrassed, bored, overwhelmed, anxious, uneasy, afraid, unsure, indecisive, self-critical, judgmental, defensive, regretful, angry...
There are more, but that covers most.

All of these emotions provide a skewed point of view, so no decision can be relevant.

A 'skewed point of view,' means;
wildly inaccurate, one-sided, gathering of proof of a belief (which can always be done, no matter what the belief).

Thought of The Day: "You are Hereby Released..."

Tell your spouse and your children, "You're not responsible for making me feel better. That's my job."

Thought of the Day: Thoughts = Mood

How you feel is only a response to what you are currently thinking.
Change what you are thinking, change how you feel.

Thought of the Day, Making a Choice

You don't need any person or any condition to change
before you can feel better.  Feeling better is a decision.