Autism and Relationships

 My husband at the time was appalled that I didn't like Star Wars. I had seen one episode, and snatches of others, but I just couldn't watch it.

He was offended that something he loved was something I didn't like. He took it personally. Of course it's not personal.

For me as an autistic person, I was overwhelmed by the violence, the flashing lights, the loud music, the unpleasant-looking alien beings.  The battle scenes literally put me to sleep from the sensory overload.

I did see moments of sweetness and funny characters in R2d2 and C3PO. But the majority of the imagery was overwhelming for me.

There's probably wonderful wisdom in Star Wars about using the force. But this form is not for me.

Living in Luxury

 It took me 6 months in paradise to feel truly safe.

My rented home was burned down.

That made perfect sense to me.

I knew that this place would not last for long. Even though I enjoyed it and relished the comfort and relative privacy, it was far from what I wanted, and since I was changing rapidly, it couldn't stay the same.

As I escaped from the fires, I felt a sense of peace I'd never felt before.

I truly made peace with living in my car. For 16 days, I made myself at home. And made friends with a rooster. I was thrilled to be able to wash my hair in a public beach shower. I was thrilled to be able to drive people to the airport. I was thrilled to be able to buy food and drink and enjoy it in privacy

Then it was orchestrated that I met a friend in Target. She mentioned staying in a hotel, and I became aware of the possibility. I went to my car in the parking lot and called the Hilton. They set me up with a hotel that night.

I say it took me 6 months to feel safe because I felt pressure from the systems to complete my duty and behave...  I had to come to the realization that I create my own reality. The system has morphed itself to my wishes. Everyone is on my side 

For a while I believed it was up to bureaucracy to decide my fate. Nope. 

I create my reality. And it's all about satisfaction. And eagerness and willingness for FAR more. I've been living in this resort hotel on the beach for 7 months now. It's incredible! And I'm fed three times a day (if I like) It only gets better from here. As a launching-off point, it couldn't be better.

I realize I want more, but I'm sooo satisfied with what is. It's wonderful!

Homelessness and Worthiness

 I had three more bouts of homelessness.

They were short and relatively easy. And I learned a lot.

One was on the beach, and two were in a vehicle. 

One giant takeaway was that I felt free.

I felt free of rent and pressure to 'earn.' And to let go of control.

From number 2, I learned that a small gift of $65 can change a life.  (Thank you, kind woman at the Pioneer Hotel)

From that and other donations I was lead to Daniel and Hakuna Matata.

I leant my services and then rented a car... And I was on a roll. Not only of work and money and safety, but also of teaching and connecting and satisfaction.

The rest is another story of a narcissist and self-discovery on another level.

Resolution to Homelessness

 There were several points during my stint at homelessness that the universe sent me people to help me. My shame kept me from accepting their help. I couldn't admit to my situation.

At one point a beautiful man brought me a mattress to sleep on, where I had been on the back porch of a music school.

 I felt it meant that I would be more visible and more vulnerable to eviction. Also, at the time, there was a Christmas celebration and event happening in that courtyard. The police were sent to tell me to leave.

I felt I had no choice but to ask for help.

I texted a beloved teacher from my language school who immediately set me up with a free apartment for a week, plus a supply of food.

I did the thing I didn't want to do, which was to ask a friend for a plane ticket. He immediately complied. (Thank you, Jeff)

I got in touch with my ex, who told me he would 'arrange for me to be picked up' at the airport in Arizona, presumably by my kids.

In the meantime there was a discussion with him about staying in his parents' house nearby. They subsequently declined my access to the house because he had previously told them I was a drug addict (as I had participated in the cocaine he had bought for both of us). He was the addict.

Upon my arrival in Tucson at 11pm, there was no one there to pick me up.

I got a taxi to his house (the house I bought), found it locked. I broke in the window I knew was always unlocked, found my ex's wallet that he kept in the same place, and paid the taxi driver.

I woke my youngest, age 18, (whom I hadn't seen for over 2 years) to ask if I could share his king-sized bed and he agreed.

I cried while telling him I wished I could have been back sooner. He said, "You're here now."

The next day my ex called the police to evict me from the house. In the midst of the discussion with the hostile policeman, I asked to speak to my ex outside.

I told him I had been sleeping on the street for 5.5 months and I needed a bed and to see my kids. I never explained that I wasn't trying to move in, but that I needed a place to stay and that he had alienated me from his parents and the most logical place to stay.(I was too unwilling to hold him accountable for falsifying the divorce and promising to pick me up and for throwing me under the bus with his parents and for fear of embarrassing him... Putting other's needs ahead of my own)

He then arranged with my father for me to stay with him, with whom I had not spent more than 5 minutes alone, on the couch in his retirement home.

It was an enlightening stay with my father, who died shortly thereafter, so now I see that it was a necessary step in my journey.

Becoming Homeless

 My first experience living outside was in Italy. 

I was living on a small divorce settlement.

Before my job at the hotel ended because of the end of the tourist season, I had been living very well, with my own car and plenty of fulfilling work to do and horses to play with and lots of free time in a gorgeous environment while living in a wonderful hotel..

After 3 years in Italy, working as a volunteer for a hotel, having been given a free place to stay as I worked as a trekking guide and then helping them set up new avenues for revenue, I moved to Siena.  I stayed in a hotel for a few weeks, then enrolled in a language school. The school set me up with an apartment for a few months, and then another even better one for a few more months.

I finished school and was out of money. I had enough for 3 nights at a hotel and then asked various people for enough help to allow me to ultimately stay 6 weeks. Then my money ran out. I wasn't legal to stay in Italy, nor was it legal for me to work there. Though some friends tried to get me work, it was too risky for any employer to hire illegal workers.

I had been expecting the universe to deliver another form of income or a windfall, but I had been so obsessively worried every day, the only path was through.  The path that would expose me to the most contrast while also showing me no choice but to wake up and pay attention to my guidance.

My first night outside was at an Italian wedding. It was a park at the university where a wedding formed in front of me.

The music was profoundly uplifting (Don't Worry, Be Happy kind of thing) It actually made me cry with appreciation for the obvious messages.

I was (felt) entirely invisible as they ate and drank and danced while I stoically fought my own hunger. However, between the music and the angel numbers I kept catching on my phone, I felt supported.

After the wedding, I slept on the cold, wet grass and shivered. In the morning I drank a leftover beer I found for breakfast.

I lived outside for 5 and a half months.

Both the injustices and the joy I felt will stay with me forever.

More detail to come

Physical Weight

 I titled this because of the deeper meaning of weight. It's not just what you weigh, but what you energetically carry.

I have been anorexic, to the point of being hospitalized for malnutrition. At 15, at 5'5", I weighed 84 pounds.

I then became bulimic, eating and throwing up obsessively for many years.

By the way, over the years, I went to 4 psychologists and one psychiatrist for help and never got an answer.

Throughout my childhood I had watched my mother, who was a triathlete and tennis coach, who could not shed the extra 60 lbs she always carried no matter what diet she tried, or how many hours she worked out. She hated herself because of her weight. (So she thought)

When I became anorexic and became thin as a 12 yr old, she suddenly valued me and showed me off to my father, of all people.

I started shoplifting food daily, from age 15 to 18 to feed my addiction.

I have been up and down in weight.

There was a time when I truly believed I would rather be dead than fat. I understand that more deeply now, because to me, fat meant self-hatred, and there is nothing more hellish than self-hatred.

After years and years of self study, I found that the times that I become my ideal weight are the times that I do not intentionally exercise or diet at all.

It's not what you DO, but how you FEEL.

When I eat for the purpose of fueling my body, or for the purpose of pleasure, it doesn't matter what or  how much I eat, it results in a perfect, lithe form.

For example, when I was sleeping outside in Italy, I ate everything I could get my hands on, which was a lot, (brioche, whole pizzas, peanuts, lots of wine) and I continuously lost weight. And I did nothing but read books all day.  I walked a few hundred yards to the library, but I didn't exercise. In the traditional calories-in/ calories-out model, it did not compute. Now, you would think that situation would create lots of cortisol, which is blamed for weight gain. That chemical reaction may be true for some, but I was in a state of appreciation.

I appreciated that I had food to eat (much of which I stole, but I didn't care about that because I know we are all one and it all comes back around, which may sound crazy but there's a lot more to say about that). I appreciated that I had a place to go during the day.  I appreciated that I had a place to sleep (as uncomfortable and public as it was)

By the way, I went without any food at all for the first 8 days and never lost an ounce as far as I could tell. All my clothes fit the same.

I asked the universe for a bed, and the next day they gave me a hospital bed.

In Hawaii, at first I was living high on the hog, and then I was homeless again, but it wasn't until I was living on a lounge chair by a pool that I dropped 20 lbs in 3 months. 

I had changed my perspective of my value.

I had all the food and wine I wanted, and a relatively stable place to be. Even though I didn't feel as appreciated as I felt was warranted, (I was sharing my high vibration at a cost of lowering my own) I had the freedom to be myself and plenty of time to recoup my frequency. I realized it did matter whether the (unaware) client understood, it only mattered that I felt good. 

Communication with animals

 Walking on a forest trail in Italy, I was happily thinking about the deer I had seen a couple of days before.

In that moment, a doe bounded across my path and disappeared into the woods, closely followed by a large buck. The buck stopped on the path and faced me.

I gasped at the surprise, then immediately thanked him for stopping and told him how beautiful he was. I agreed that I only had two legs, and how it must be more fun and efficient to run through the forest with four legs. He seemed to be unfamiliar with humans and was interested in my scent, as he frequently sniffed the air. After about 5 minutes of admiration, I said, "You should probably go find your Mrs.(Missus, wife, girlfriend)" He immediately answered with a bark (I didn't know deer could bark), and he then pivoted to his right and bounded in the direction of the doe.

I knew that he had understood every word I projected (in an energetic translation.)

I'll never forget that interaction and knowing that we were speaking the same (energetic) language.

The Voice in your Head

 One of the most important things I have realized is the understanding of the voice in our heads.  You can call it ego, psyche, sympathetic nervous system activation, protector, chatty annoying roommate... It is all of those things.

That voice talking to you is not you.

You, your soul, are the awareness of that voice.

The ego voice talks, narrates, warns, worries, judges, criticizes all day, every second of your day, unless you are sleeping or purposely directing your focus.  When you are purposely directing your focus in a positive way, you are in the present moment where you are RECEIVING positive thoughts and solutions, not generating negative thoughts and expanding your problems. As you know, what you focus upon expands. 

None of the things the voice is saying are real. They are interpretations of data that have been filtered through your belief system, most of which you formed erroneously before you were 7 years old. (If this happens, this must be true, for example)

The voice is trying to protect you, in a similar way that a horse runs away when seeing a trash can for the first time. He is having an emotional and then physical fight or flight response to a perceived threat.

The difference between you and the horse is the horse's recovery time.  The horse needs to save his energy, and since he wasn't eaten in that moment, his parasympathetic nervous system kicks in and within seconds he is perfectly calm and content again.

 You, when you hear a troublesome thought (see a trash can) will follow the train of thought and become emotionally caught up in the thread. You then think "what will I do?" in the face of this problem....  Your sympathetic nervous system is activated and remains so until you change the subject. But you find it hard to change the subject because after only 68 seconds you have built up substantial momentum in a negative direction. Your sympathetic nervous system is overactive. But it can be trained to relax and come back to the present moment where all your peace resides.

Most problems go away by themselves when you take your attention off of them.  Some problems require some action on your part, but what action?  Only inspired action will bring the results that best serve you.

Inspired action is an impulse to act which you receive when you are back in a calm and relaxed state.

The calm and relaxed state is called the receiving mode.

In order to learn to be the observer of the chatty voice, rather than the reactor, meditation is key.

Meditation is allowing yourself 15 quiet minutes per day to practice being aware of the voice and re-focusing on a sound. Over and over and over, until the gaps between the voice-thoughts get a little wider and you begin to feel in control of your focus. 

Over time you will begin to feel a peaceful sense of detachment. Your body may twitch and tingle and to go pleasantly numb. You may get to a place where you can no longer feel the chair you're sitting in. 

Eventually you may begin to hear the real you, saying lovely brilliant uplifting things. Or you may hear the answer to a question.

For me the answers pour in not during meditation, but later, while doing something mundane like brushing my teeth.

Now, having worked your focusing ability in meditation, you will have the skill to ignore the unhelpful chatter in your daily life, which will allow you to stay in the present where you feel good, and you are able to receive all the solutions and answers you need.

Maui, Hawaii

 I've been in Hawaii for a year and a half now, and I have so much more to write!

I have massive new insights, techniques, tools and experiences to share.

Come along! Let's keep going. It gets better and better.

My Italian life...

 I spent the next 4 years in Italy.

The first year, I took the journey back to Arizona to pick up 3 of my youngest kids, twins age 12, and their brother, age 13. They spent the summer with me in Italy. They loved it. I worked and bounced between Italy and Arizona for the next i couple of years while I developed the company.

By year 3 in Italy, after handing over the business to the owners of the hotel, I found myself living on the street in Siena for 5 and a half months.

I didn't tell anyone of my dilemma except for one Italian friend who gave me €50 per week to survive.

Meanwhile, I developed a relationship with Source.  I finally realized I was being guided and taken care of in every moment.

I asked for specific food, and it was delivered to me.  I asked for cigarettes, and they were delivered to me. 

I asked for a bed with white sheets... And received an image of a hospital bed... I said, "Not that kind of bed!"....  The next day I was in a hospital bed with appendicitis.  It turned out to be a wonderful 3-day experience filled with love and respect.

Eventually I asked for help from a local friend and was immediately given an apartment for a week.  I then asked another friend for a plane ticket. He had air miles, so gave them for free.  I flew to stay with my father in Arizona, who knew nothing of my experience. There I had food and shelter and the love my father was capable of, which was little, but much more than I expected.

After staying with him for a couple of months, I was offered an opportunity to help a friend (former boyfriend from high school) in Florida.  I went to Florida and helped the friend find a house.   I later realized he was alcoholic and narcissistic, but the reward was the upper story of a house to myself, privacy, and nearly limitless budget, which allowed me to lease a horse.  My intention was to help him feel better about himself by raising ducks, adopting a dog, putting in a pool to exercise in...  And teaching him about energy...  It worked for a while...Then he became more morose and stuck in his addictions.

That relationship became untenable...He kicked me out (then refused to admit he ha kicked me out,)

It was the perfect opportunity to decide to find a new place to live.

Going to Italy

I was getting a divorce and wanted to go on a vacation by myself.

I knew I wanted to go to Europe somewhere.

 I applied to be a horse trekking guide at a hotel in Tuscany after seeing an ad on the interwebs.

I had never been to Tuscany but the idea of trekking on horseback was irresistible.

The hotel told me I couldn't have the job because it was only for students, since it was a work-trade situation.

I was so drawn to the location I said I would come anyway and stay as a guest for a little while.  I didn't have money to stay for long.

The owners of the hotel picked me up from the airport, and during the 45 min drive they talked to me ...

They then said, the manager of the trekking program had just broken her arm... Could I take over her role?  And by the way do you speak German?

Yes! Yes I can, and yes I do!

The day after i arrived in the country I was on horseback leading a trek with a hand-drawn map, speaking German, through vineyards and forests of Tuscany.

Over the next two weeks, I was talking to the other guests on the porch in the evenings and i realized half of them were not riders. They didn't have much to do.  They were there with their horsey partners.

I suggested to the owners that they offer excursions by car...  They said, "YES,! That's a great idea. Let's start a company together, include other hotels, and you be the president.". 

I said, Okay, let's do that!"

Instant Manifestations

The following is a compilation of examples of little things which manifested immediately.  I can name hundreds of these, but these are to first to pop into my head.
I'll preface these stories also by saying that I have practiced guiding myself back into the vortex with dexterity, so now I can say that on a day-to-day basis I'm in the vortex about 90% of the time. This is why I'm in a near constant state of receiving delightful things I want.

FLYING
I was going to fly from Italy to the US.  When I arrived at the airport, I was given a horrible seat assignment; in the back, in the middle.
I could have asked for a change of seats, but I knew the Universe must have something nice in mind for me.  I had recently learned the value of not taking action to change a circumstance.  I learned the value of not taking action at all unless I feel an in-the-vortex inspiration.
I told myself maybe I'll be sitting next to someone amazing, or there will be no one near me and I can lie down...
As I boarded the plane, the flight attendant checked my ticket and said to the gentleman in 1A, "Is this the seat you want sir?"  He said yes, and she said to me, "Would you like to fly First Class?"

APPLES
I was standing on my back porch in Italy, looking at the gorgeous, ripe, red apples on a tree up the hill.  I contemplated how they might taste and wondered how to get up the hill and up the tree to get some.  I noticed I didn't have any inclination to do that.
Later that same day I was again standing outside when two red apples rolled down the street.  I laughed at what I thought must be apple races being played by some kids.  A moment passed with no one in sight.  Then two more apples rolled by.
"Oh! Those are for me!"
I walked a few yards outside my back door, and there they were, 4 beautiful apples.  Delicious.

DEER
I was walking in the forest, thinking about an encounter I had had with some deer a few days prior.  I have a long history of manifesting deer, so thinking about them always feels good.  Encounters with wildlife, especially deer, thrill me, so it happens again and again.
After about a minute of happy contemplation, a doe bounced by, followed immediately by a buck.
The buck stopped (here!... accidental pun) in front of me and faced me.  He radiated curiosity.
I spoke to him for many minutes, telling him how beautiful he was.  He stayed for a long time, wiggling his nose to smell me.
Eventually I said in my mind, "You'd better go find your Mrs."  At that precise moment, he leaped away, barking, in the direction of his mate.

HAIR CLIP
I had my three boys with me for the summer in Italy.  They were 13, 13, and 14.
I had been wearing my hair in a scrunchy.  Not very fashionable, and leaving a crease in my hair.
I imagined it would be much nicer to have a hair clip with little teeth.  I pictured a little brown one, but I didn't do anything about it or say anything about it.
Two days later, the boys and I were at the beach.  It was about 9pm and dark outside, except for the moon and stars.  The boys were diving in the Tirranean Sea, finding hermit crabs.
At one point, Dane said he had found a hair clip, but had dropped it.
I said, "Oh! I want one of those!  Can you find it again?"
They all went back in the water and almost immediately Ian found it. It was small and brown and exactly what I had pictured.

MONEY
I was in Italy, wanting to go to the US to see my boys.  I didn't have the money for a trip and I was getting a bit distressed about it.  It was weighing on my mind.  I can't stand feeling worried, so I went to bed and told myself to drop it.
I said some general statements to myself that everything always works itself out.  I'm fine. There's nothing I can do about it right this minute anyway..
I did a meditation game, thinking of positive emotional words in alphabetical order.
I felt much better and rolled over to go to sleep.
Just then a message pinged on my phone.
It was an old friend in the US asking when I could come visit.  I said that I would like to, but didn't have the funds.  He said he'd be happy to pay. Two minutes later, I had $1500 in my bank account and went to the US two weeks later.

WINDOWS
One day I was thinking about what I'd like to do with money.  It's a fun game I sometimes play.
I decided I wanted some really nice windows; the kind that open in several directions and they're beautiful and functional...
Two months later when I was shown a apartment I would rent in Italy, there they were; the exact windows I wanted.

CAR
I decided I would like a bigger car. I liked the car I had, but I was tired of it and imagined something that could carry more people comfortably. I decided it should be a big, white SUV.  I said nothing about it. It was just a nice thought.
The next evening my husband at the time came home from work and asked if I would like a Nissan Armada.  A friend needed to get rid of it and it would cost less than half the payments of the car I had. The next day it was in our driveway.

TV
Earlier this year in my apartment in Italy, I was watching television on the big flatscreen in the kitchen.  The chairs are not comfortable in the kitchen, so I wished for the ability to watch on the couch in the living room.  The old tv in the living room didn't work, so I appreciated the nice TV in the kitchen anyway.
I went to the US for two months, and upon my return found a new flatscreen TV in the living room.

EXCEMA
I was due to go on a blind date. I was feeling self conscious about my appearance over a few days prior and subsequently developed an even more self-conscious-making manifestation:  excema on my arms.  I recognized the negative manifestation as an indication of my negative thoughts.  I soothed myself with gentle, positive statements and the rash disappeared overnight.

LAYOVERS
I fly between Arizona and Italy often.  It's a very long day.  On one leg, between JFK and London, I daydreamed about having a two day layover in London. I wanted to break up the trip and have a little adventure.  When I landed in London I was told I'd missed my connection to Pisa and the next available flight was in two days.  Perfect.
I stayed in a stunning hotel in London, took double-decker bus tours and a river tour, and met wonderful, unforgettable people.

On another trip from Pisa to Tucson, I wished for a layover in Chicago.  I was tired and dreaming of fluffy bed and feather pillows (neither of which I had in Italy).  When we landed I was told my connection was missed and I must stay in Chicago.  I was greeted in the gorgeous hotel, paid for by the airline, by a big fluffy bed and 5 brand new feather pillows.  I had a 5-star dinner, after which I was told the dinner was also covered by the airline.  The next morning the complimentary breakfast was an american feast of eggs, bacon, steel cut oats and bottomless coffee while spontaneously playing a game of Name That Tune with a genial stranger.  Unforgettable wonderfulness.

RAIN AND PERFECT TIMING
One day I noticed the plants in my front yard were looking wilted. It was well over 100 degrees and not a cloud in the sky.  I thought, "Should I turn on the irrigation?"  Followed by, "Nah, it'll rain soon." Within an hour it started to rain and continued for 2 hours.

On another occasion, I went for a trail ride with a friend.  It was a warm, sunny day, and I remarked that it would be nice if we got a sprinkle at the end of our ride.  10 minutes from home we were riding in gentle rain.

Last summer in Italy, I went for an long walk to another town.  Mid-way, I noticed it looked like rain.  I was wearing a thin, pink t-shirt, that if it got wet, would be entirely see-through.  My route back home was directly through town, so if I got wet, it would be like walking naked through town.
I knew I didn't want that, so I generalized that all would be well.  I told myself that either it won't rain, or if it did, someone would pick me up. (even though I hadn't seen a car the entire time I was walking)
I dropped the subject and focused instead upon taking photos.
The moment it started to rain, a car appeared out of nowhere and offered me a ride.  It was my next door neighbor.

A few weeks ago here in Italy we had a very rainy several days in a row.  I love being inside when it's cold and rainy, but I needed to go to the store for food.  I waited until I was inspired to leave, and as I walked outside the rain stopped.
I walked to my car just as a woman was starting out for a walk.  I asked if she needed a ride and she gratefully accepted.  She speaks only Italian, and she speaks very fast, but I was in a clear, happy state of mind and in my limited Italian I was able to understand everything she said.  It was a joyful, giggly connection.
The moment I walked back into the house it started raining again in earnest and didn't stop for the rest of the day.

Trying to Control the Uncontrollable

This is about one of my kids, but the concept applies to everything.
When he was in kindergarten, I got his teacher fired.  She was doing a terrible job, in my opinion at the time.
When he was in 2nd grade, I almost succeeded in getting his teacher fired.  She kept kicking him out of the classroom for not paying attention.
When he was in 5th grade, I got his teacher fired.  He was too tough and mean...
Then I woke up, and realized I was butting my nose in where it didn't belong.  He didn't come here in this lifetime for a limp, follow-the-leader ride.  He came to be different.  To  forge his own path.
I wasn't helping him by eliminating everything that would cause him to create more.  He's a creator. Let him create.  And law of attraction brings everyone together for this very reason.

He called me last night. He's now 15 and in high school.  I'm living and working most of the year in Italy.
He was brimming with enthusiasm about school.  He's so proud of himself for doing so well and enjoying everything about his life.

It brought happy tears to my eyes, knowing my decision to let go of controlling the uncontrollable had paid off; for me, for him, and everyone else in our lives.

Broken Heart, Broken Sternum

I spent a great deal of time and negative thought and emotion trying to save a marriage I didn't even want.  I had convinced myself I did want to stay together, but only because of fear of the absence of the relationship.  Partly because it felt as if love was being taken away, which is never the case, because love is internal, not a commodity to be earned.  Also, I had no money and was worrying about where to go and what to do.  And other random nagging day to day things were bothering me, such as the desire for a new car I saw no way of getting.

Then one day I was in a car crash.  There are no accidents.  A young woman pulled in front if my car. The impact broke my sternum.

In the nano seconds after impact and careening to a stop, I knew immediately why this just happened.  And I was grateful.  My first thought was, "I did this."  Followed by, "Oh good, a new car. And a small pile of money from the other driver's insurance."  Then, "Oh my god I've broken my sternum and it's because I been obsessed with my 'broken heart.'"  It was a blessing on all counts.  I needed a wake-up call to realize I had been thinking all wrong about the marriage.

The wonderous, joyous thing about negative emotion, and when ignored, negative manifestations, is that the intensity of the emotions is the degree to which you are disagreeing with your inner being.  Your solutions and things you desire have already been created, and your negative emotion tells you you're barking up the wrong tree.

After realizing that I had just received the message loud and clear to stop fighting against the divorce, I became utterly calm and clear and at peace with the perfection of it.  This was just a step along the way to make way for all the amazing things that were about to come next.

Taking a Leap of Faith

In 2014, I was accepting the reality of divorce.
I wanted to go somewhere, almost anywhere, to spend some time alone.  To see what new perspectives I could find.
I didn't know where I wanted to go.  I thought of going to Africa, to volunteer in some capacity.

I was talking to a friend on the phone.  We were both in a great mood, talking about life and experiences.  I said that I could live anywhere.
The things I said I liked were: walking everywhere, mucking out a barn, living in a city, living in the countryside, living near a forest, living near a beach, speaking another language...  And wouldn't it be fun to live in a hotel, where you could meet new people every day?

A short time later, I was Googling something random, and came across the words 'working vacation.'  I had never heard of such a concept, and it sounded intriguing.  I clicked on the link and it led me to the website of a hotel in Tuscany, Italy.
The hotel had 17 horses, and offered treks for their guests.  The working vacation was to be a guide for trekking in exchange for room and board.
I had a visceral longing to be there.

I emailed the hotel to ask if I could work there. They emailed back to say, No, sorry... We can only have students in this capacity.

I had such a strong feeling for this place, without knowing why, so I decided to go anyway.
By the way, at this point I had not a dime to my name.  I only imagined there were funds somewhere available to me to allow me to go.
Just then my soon-to-be ex gave me $6,000 as a sort of pre-divorce settlement.  Little did I know that was all he intended to give... But anyway, it was enough to go.
Yes, I had lived in Europe as a teenager, going to high school in Belgium, but I had never been to Tuscany, I didn't speak Italian, my German language knowledge was from high school, and I hadn't been on a horse in ten years.
I purchased a round trip ticket with a 2-month return date.
On the day of my arrival, at a stunning sunrise in Pisa, I realized my cell phone had no signal.
I met a man who spoke English to help me make a call on a public phone to reach the owners of the hotel to arrange to pick me up in Follonica, after having taken the train from Pisa.

During the car ride to the hotel, the owner told me the manager of a stable nearby had broken her arm, and from that moment I was unceremoniously given a job managing a stable, giving riding lessons in German (the knowledge of which magically came back to me), and leading treks through the rolling hills of Tuscany.  Really?

I took a leap, and already it was paying off.
But there's more.

The hotel was everything I had been thinking and talking about with my friend on the phone.  And then some.  It was in a forest, near a beach, I could walk everwhere, I could speak another language, I could muck out the barn, which comes with working with horses, my true love..., it was next to a medieval city and near other bigger cities, the stable was in the countryside, I was living in a hotel meeting happy new people every day... Plus there were the other benefits I had forgotten were on my list: Having someone else cook for me; all my meals were cooked by the chef of the hotel, and driving a manual transmission car! On fun, winding roads, no less.

After two weeks of riding and teaching, I realized I wanted more.  I didn't know exactly what I wanted, but I did know what I didn't want.  Same thing, really, in the vibrational sense.

At that point I had developed physical symptoms of resistance.  I didn't like working on someone else's schedule, and that was enough to make me very sick.  I came down with a flu-type illness. Several blissful days were spent in bed.  The understanding of that manifestation didn't escape me.
Also, I had noticed that whenever I was doing something that made me uncomfortable,  like staying for dinner when I didn't want to, I had developed a cough.  It was a post-nasal drip sort of cough.  It only appeared when I felt uncomfortable, but it was very sensitive to any sort of negative thought, and persisted for 3 months. I met a client who understood my symptom and recommended a meditation which said, in short, "I have this symptom, and I accept myself completely."  When I did this meditation for just a few moments, the cough disappeared for days.

Anyway, after two weeks of teaching and managing the stable, the season ended, and the hotel owners asked me what I wanted to do, since I still had 6 weeks of vacation remaining.
I said I didn't know, but I did know that since I had been talking to guests every night, I determined the hotel could be making more money by offering excursions by car.  The owners agreed at once and declared on the spot to start a new company with me, offering excursions for sightseeing, wine tasting, sailing, etc.

So now, after taking a leap of faith that this place seemed to be good for me, without knowing why, it delivered not only the environment I wanted, with all the bells and whistles, plus more I had forgotten. It also delivered a little contrast, from which I could create more independence.  And an avenue to create even more of what I want...

Stop Noticing the Absence of Something You Want

I had a question from a friend about howvto manifest a partner.
She said she felt lonely and that all the good guys are taken and what can she do to find him?

The answer is stop thinking about the absence of him.

Here is why:  You create your own reality because the universe delivers what you think about.
Everything is energy, including your thoughts. You are broadcasting a signal, positive or negative, in every waking moment.
It's the same for every subject, whether it's a mate or money or health or whatever.  If you're thinking, "Where is it?", "Why does she get a mate and I don't?", "What's wrong with me?", "I need this.", "When do I get to be happy?" ....  You are projecting a signal that delivers more of the same: ABSENCE of what you want.

I wrote a post on this blog years ago entitled 'Looking for Deer.'  I had been eager to see deer on my hikes, and for 2 years I saw not a single deer.  Once I realized I was creating my reality of the absence of deer....  Because all I could think was, "No deer here",  "Nope I don't see one yet."  After a while I got tired of feeling bad about not seeing them.  So I GAVE UP.
I decided my hikes were enjoyable just as they were.  I decided to shift my perspective and instead of focusing on what I didn't like, I decided to look for things to appreciate and drop the subject of deer.
I liked the way it felt to move my body and feel my efficient muscles.  I like the weather and the flowers and the birds and after only a few minutes of this, I found that I was getting high on appreciation.  It didn't MATTER that there were no deer.  I was feeling incredible.
The very next day, 4 deer met me on the trail.  For a long time they stayed so close I could see their eyelashes.  I was swept with the feeling of incredible power that I created this situation.  But it was because I had been feeling high and powerful YESTERDAY.  I had changed my vibrational signal.
From then on for several more years I had close encounters with deer every single day.  But everything else changed too...

I've manifested hundreds and hundreds of things, big and small, in this very way.  Children, a job in Italy, money, adventures, friends, a glass of wine, a chef to cook for me, lovers, mates, horses, luxury, stunning places to live, cars...  But mostly I've created ease and tranquility and more things to appreciate.

The universe knows exactly what you want.  You've chosen them very specifically over years of sorting through what you like and what you don't like.  Your only job now is to relax and enjoy as much of NOW as you can muster.  Then you will be astonished at what, or who, shows up.

Decisions

Make NO decisions while in a bad mood.
What constitutes a bad mood?

Frustrated, irritated, upset, "right," mad, vengeful, disappointed, discouraged, sad, wronged, guilty, embarrassed, bored, overwhelmed, anxious, uneasy, afraid, unsure, indecisive, self-critical, judgmental, defensive, regretful, angry...
There are more, but that covers most.

All of these emotions provide a skewed point of view, so no decision can be relevant.

A 'skewed point of view,' means;
wildly inaccurate, one-sided, gathering of proof of a belief (which can always be done, no matter what the belief).

Thought of The Day: "You are Hereby Released..."

Tell your spouse and your children, "You're not responsible for making me feel better. That's my job."

Thought of the Day: Thoughts = Mood

How you feel is only a response to what you are currently thinking.
Change what you are thinking, change how you feel.

Thought of the Day, Making a Choice

You don't need any person or any condition to change
before you can feel better.  Feeling better is a decision.

Brilliant Kid

Two days ago, Paris (age 11) climbed into the car after school and immediately started hitting Ian (age 10).
I ignored it, seeing that Ian wasn't actually getting hurt, and also seeing that Ian was a willing participant in the brawl.
After he calmed down a little, I tried to tell Paris about handling anger, but he was in no mood to hear it then.
Paris then stuck his head out the window of the car, and by the time we got home, he was commenting on the beauty of the neighborhood trees. (He had made himself feel better by distracting himself)

I knew he had been struggling with his teacher recently, and had manifested a nearly incapacitating sore neck.

The next morning, when he was in a great mood, I said, "Remember a few years ago, when I showed you the Emotional Scale?  Like a radio dial, you have to go through some other channels to get to the one you want?"
"Yes, I remember."
"When you're feeling really angry and you want to hit someone, it usually means that, right before then, you were feeling sad.  And angry feels way better than sad.  That's why you want to hit someone.  A better idea would be to plan revenge in your mind, but don't actually do anything about it.  It will make you feel better.  Then after a while, you'll want to feel better still, so feelings of frustration or irritation will be the next step.  Then it's an easy jump to happier feelings."

Last night, he wrote a poem that was an assignment.  It had to include these phrases:
"A spoonful of sorrow"
"A touch of delight" and
"A journey of hardship"

Here's what he wrote:
One's emotions are balanced
They exist on a scale
If one is happy, it's balanced
If one feels otherwise, it tips.
Some may teeter back and forth.
A spoonful of sorrow
can send one out of balance.
If one can keep balanced,
one is at peace with Earth.
One's mood is contagious, too
A touch of delight can spread like wildfire.
One has power to balance this.
Some have trouble finding this.
A journey of hardship,
Some might call it.
It's okay to totter a little
It's healthy to let out
Emotion from time to time
One must be balanced
on the teeter-totter of emotion.

He was very happy with that poem.  This morning, he said, "I hope my teacher likes it as much as you and I do."
I said, "It's not very likely.  He may not get it.  That doesn't matter."  Paris agreed.

This afternoon, he said his teacher would like him to make it 1/4 page longer.

Then Paris told me something that made me so proud.

He said that last night, before he wrote the poem, he had had a conversation with his stuffed animals.
He told them how angry he was at the teacher for not appreciating his work. (in general)
He said they (he and the stuffed animals) even had a conversation about slavery, and about how the slave owners had tried to make the slaves feel bad about themselves in order to get them to work.  He said he felt like his teacher was a slave-owner.

He said that earlier that day, his teacher had assumed he had already begun the poem, and that he, Paris, had felt guilty that he hadn't.

I asked him whether the conversation with his animals had made him feel better, and he said, "Yes, it did!"
And, by the way, his very sore neck was no longer sore.

I pulled out a copy of the Emotional Scale, which is a linear, graded list of emotions encompassing the best feelings at the top of the scale, to the worst feelings at the bottom of the scale.  (there's a copy on the blog:  marla-livingthelawofattraction.blogspot.com).
I said, "Look, 'guilt' is at the very bottom, and the only way up is through 'anger'.  And that's what you did!  By yourself!""
He pointed at the scale and said, "Yes!  After 'rage' was 'blame'.  YES!  Then was 'hopefulness'!  And 'appreciation'!  I felt appreciation for my animals."

This afternoon I said to him that he's learning so much more from a teacher who doesn't get it than from one who does, because it forces him to deal with it and gain so much more self esteem (rather than teacher esteem).  He said, "Yes!"

What does this have to do with Law of Attraction?
The law of attraction means that you (you, me, everyone) create your own reality.
When you desire something, and you don't doubt that it can be, it becomes your reality.
I want my kids to thrive.  I specifically want them to be fulfilled in themselves.  I want them to know they can feel good about themselves, regardless of anyone else's opinion.  I want them to know how to maintain their ability to know their own well-being.  I want them to feel free to be different, to be pioneers, to feel free of fear, to feel free of judgment, to feel able to feel joy regardless of circumstances. 
This freedom is the utmost in security.  You can call it faith.

This is what I want to see in my children (and in myself and my husband), and this is what I see.  This is my reality.

Intrinsic vs. Earned Worthiness

Recently I've become aware of the difference between intrinsic worthiness, that which you were born with, and earned worthiness, that which is endlessly sought.

In the past, I've done several examinations into my own sense of worthiness, and I have always convinced myself of my sure footing.
But when I looked at it from an understanding of intrinsic worthiness, I realized I didn't have it; what I have is entirely based on what I've done, what I've earned, what I look like, what I've accomplished, how people respond to me.

In the last few years, I've learned how to be a master of manifesting what I want by how I feel and what I think.
Yet, still, the measurement of 'worthiness' is still often based upon what I manifest.

Fascinatingly, the times I feel most wholly well and perfect and happy are the times I'm focusing with appreciation on someone or something else. Which makes perfect sense. You can't appreciate someone else without letting go of your own thoughts of limitation. And thoughts of limitation amount to the fact that you're measuring yourself.

How interesting. Stop measuring yourself? What is there to measure?

What would happen if you made your intrinsic self-worth more important than your social worth?
How?
When you see a baby, do you believe it is worthy?  Most likely you see it as perfect and pure and deserving of all the love in the world. 
Can you see yourself the same way?
You would be a very happy person.

Worthiness and Expectation

Those two words, Worthiness and Expectation, are key components to how your life unfolds.

If you believe it matters what other people think of you, you have an unstable sense of worthiness.

If you feel good or bad according to what you've accomplished lately, you have an unstable sense of worthiness.

If you believe someone else has control over how you feel, you have an unstable sense of worthiness.

If you dislike those who are really rich, particularly those who don't work very hard but have lots of money, you have an unstable sense of worthiness.

If you believe your looks or your weight or your hairline or your bank balance or your job title or your education create a limit to your value (or your income), you have an unstable sense of worthiness.

What if you were to set all these factors aside? What if, for argument's sake, you were to believe 'worth' is something you're born with, and that comparisons of yourself to others are irrelevant?

Wouldn't that take 'worthiness' off the table?

Let's assume you agree with all of that.
And let's assume you were to remind yourself of your stable worthiness several times a day.
That means you would stop berating yourself, and you'd stop looking at people's faces to see how they feel about you(cuz they're just grumpy and it has nothing to do with you), and you'd stop second-guessing your decisions, and you'd spend some time appreciating things around you...

Your life would change dramatically for the better.

The other word is Expectation.
You tend to expect what has happened before.
But you get what you expect. (Law of Attraction is unerring that way)

How can you get a better outcome?

By using the focus of your mind to decide to expect what you want, not what you've been getting.

How do you do that?

Spend more time imagining what you want and less time noticing what you have and the outcome must change.
(That means no more thinking about, talking about, remembering, worrying about, complaining about... things you don't like)

How do I stop noticing the way things are, which are not so good?

Make peace with it.
Find a way to say, "I can live with this right now. It is what it is. It's temporary, and it's not so bad. I can even notice the good points about it."

Once you stop pushing against what you don't want, what you do want must come. You may not believe me. That's okay. You'll see.

Expectation is very powerful.

If you expect something will be hard, it will be hard.
When you expect your mate will act a certain way, he will.
When you expect money only comes from hard work, that's the only way it comes.

When you expect abundance to flow to you, because this is an abundant world (and abundance has nothing to do with 'worthiness'), money, and free time, and a variety of exciting jobs, and experiences, and supplies, and loving relationships present themselves to you like a buffet for you to choose from.

When you expect things to be easy, they are.

When you expect people to be kind and friendly and interesting and enlightening, they are.

When you expect great ideas to come to you, you stop trying to look for them and just let them come to you.

When you expect your kids to be amazing, they are.

When you expect your body to recover from any illness on the planet, it does.

Expectation contains eagerness and faith in well-being and enthusiasm and confidence---- and worthiness.

The Love Game with Kids

I have started playing a new game in the car with the boys on the way to school. I call it The Love Game.

This morning, I started it by saying, "I love the color of that car in front of us." They all agreed it was a great color. Then I said, "I love that they've almost finished the 'Holey Moley' (road construction that includes a very big hole), I love that you guys got ready for school so quickly this morning. Paris' bath was the most efficient ever!"
I was going to continue on my roll, but Dane broke in to start his, "That was a quick bath! I love my mom and dad and I love my brothers, and I love the rats, and I love playing board games with Bebby, and I love building legos..."

Ian broke in and said, "I love any board games and I love legos and I love that we're getting to school so early and I love that Sylvia doesn't even want me to put her down, and I love that I have 5 dollars in my wallet..." Paris looked up from his doing homework in the back of the car and said, "I love you, Mom."

This is a game I've played by myself for quite a while. So much so that it's become a pretty intoxicating habit. It just occured to me to play with the boys, and they love it! After just a minute or two of either listening to someone else's list, or making their own, they all become so happy and eager for a wonderful day. Ahhh! Me too.

The Groove in The Brain

The Groove in the Brain

Our new rat made me think of this post.
We have two new rats. One is very outgoing and the other seems very fearful.
I noticed that the fearful one gets "stuck" in a state of fearfulness. She huddles in a corner for indefinite periods of time.
It occured to me that her brain may be stuck, so I took her out of the cage. When I did that, it jogged her out of her trance and she became a different rat. She became curious and friendly. Now, when she's taken out of the "stuck" corner and she's allowed to climb back into her cage on her own, she immediately wants to get back out to snuggle and explore some more. She had developed a groove in her brain that told her that she should be afraid.

Everyone has a set-point, or a habit of thought on a particular subject. On the positive side, the set-point may be Eagerness or Appreciation, or, on the negative side, Frustration or Irritation, or Overwhelmed or Worried or Fearful or Guilty or Sad, etc.….

Every single time the subject is noticed, the brain goes to its set-point.
Then, thoughts are generated by the brain which match that set-point, so the feelings are sustained until the thinker decides to change his mind.

It’s as if there is a groove worn in the brain and when a subject comes up, the thoughts skip immediately to that groove.
The brain is very creative in that it will search for a reason to justify the feeling.
Then the thinker believes the issue is what is making him feel bad, when in fact it’s feeling bad that is making him feel bad.

The thoughts you think, the groove you have worn in your brain, attract more circumstances that feel the same. It’s as if you have no control over what happens. But you do.
Your control is not in controlling circumstances, your control is in how you chronically think.

Set-points are changeable! Merely focusing your thoughts on purpose toward feeling better whenever you notice you are not feeling good, changes your set point.

For instance, let’s say lately that whenever you think of money, you feel an immediate sense of worry and your mind goes to thoughts about things you do not want to happen.

That tells you that the groove you have worn in your brain is that of Worry (or Fear or Dread.) Your mind immediately dials into that groove and you are drawn to thoughts that illustrate all kinds of scenarios you think you need to prevent or defend against.

Staying on the groove of Worry will not feel good and it will simply attract more events to worry about.

Your power is in changing the groove. There is no value in planning for the worst.

Think a thought that makes you feel better. Often the thought that feels better is a more general thought about money, but it needs to stay on the subject of money in order to change your set point.

For instance, “I’m okay right now. This bill doesn’t have to be paid right now. I feel a change coming, and this will mean nothing tomorrow.”
Once you say something to yourself that makes you feel better and you acknowledge that you feel better, you put the choice of your set-point in your own hands.
The set-point will not fall back to its previous point.

And when you know you can change the way you feel, your power is restored and your life will begin to show you a different result.
Do it again and again each time you notice a strong negative feeling about any subject.

Change your mind about it. And your life will show you the change.

We used physical means to snap the rat out of her groove, but outside that fearful groove her life is bountiful.

Emotion/Manifestation= Cause/Effect

In answer to a question about my experiences with contrast and negative emotion.
First I'll explain my view:
'Contrast' is any and every situation you encounter which causes a negative emotional response and the consequent (most often subconscious) 'asking' for improvement.
This very exposure to 'contrast' results in your expansion because in the moment you encounter it, you subconsciously 'ask' for the opposite.  Source energy immediately becomes the vibrational equivalent of the asking.  It is done. This is the expansion of you and the expansion of the universe.

And as a forward to this writing regarding these personal experiences, I'll define this:
'Unworthiness' is a socially-reinforced belief that's the root of many "problems."   I put quotes around 'problems' because the 'problem' that triggers the emotion is simply an exaggeration of a negative emotion (belief) that exists within you to begin with.
Feel unworthy (guilty, powerless, self-critical, depressed, sad) and the world will show you an excuse to feel unworthy.
In the beginning of my study of law of attraction, adjusting to believing in the truth of my own and everyone's intrinsic 'worthiness' was for me, easy and rapid and dramatic at first.  It seemed so right.

It then became a continual, gradual shedding of more, smaller and smaller, increasingly subtle remnants of the insidious, bogus belief in the need to earn value, the belief in the need for comparison to others, the belief in hourly pay and contribution as measurement of worth, and the belief in others' opinions.  For starters.

I'll give a small selection of examples of both positive and negative emotions followed by their manifestations in a cause/effect format:

These are prior to my awareness of law of attraction:
Painful breakup/Became fed up with feeling bad/Constant Appreciation of my single life/Perfect mate showed up

Miscarriages/Made peace with having no more kids/Immediate pregnancy and daydream for twins

Made peace with one kid/Pregnant with twins

Unchecked Fear of not enough money to run businesses/Money ran out, Folded businesses

Night terrors/Acupuncture and visualization exercise that opened my mind to intentional joy/Cessation of night terrors

These are following my understanding of law of attraction:
Powerlessness over my kid/Change in my thoughts about him/Unconditional love for and from him/Complete change in his behavior

Eagerness and Appreciation for law of attraction/Constant stream of new books appear that teach and thrill me

Unchecked self consciousness about qualifications (worthiness) to give seminars/Chronic cough that made me feel more self-conscious

Belief in the well being of people/Counseling sessions/Astonishing results

Appreciation of pictures of hawks/Hawk encounters/Massive appreciation/Hawks following me

Unchecked thoughts of self consciousness and embarrassment about loss of business/Weight gain that felt more self conscious and embarrassing

Belief in the possibility of seeing deer for the first time in years/Next day close encounter with deer/Massive appreciation for deer encounter/Deer interactions every single day

Confusion about things/Made peace with not knowing/Answers come while hiking and cleaning house

Desire and Belief in the ability to communicate with transitioned people/Made peace with not being able to do that/Brother appeared and had a conversation with me the morning he died (and several since)

Unchecked Fear of possible heartache/Cracked sternum/Release of control of others' behavior, release of others' responsibility for my emotions, release of the concept of 'dread,' (which is worry about something that hasn't happened)/Freedom, Unconditional Love/Exponentially better relationship

Desire to write a book/Made peace with no book contract/Delight in writing blog/Commission to write a book.

 What I had been living prior to understanding directing my thoughts had relied not only on the need for others' approval, but need for others' repeated, positive feedback (because 'value' and 'deservedness' were transitory)!

I've now been asked to explain the process that occurs when I encounter contrast, feel negative emotion, and address it in order to feel better (and therefore raise my vibrational stance on that subject).

In this example, I felt angry.
Feeling anger almost always means I have hit the bottom of the scale in some sense of powerlessness with a thought about something that has just happened. And then in the blink of another thought, I automatically reached for something better; anger.

In this example, the 'contrast' was simply that Brad had asked me to do a favor for him, ie wake up early and take kids to school (on 2 hrs of sleep).
#1  I could agree to do it out of obligation (out of the vortex),
#2  I could say no and feel guilty (out of the vortex).
#3  An in-the vortex solution I can't think of right now...

I felt a flash of anger and enjoyed the feeling of it for a little while.  (The feeling of Being Right, feeling righteous, a momentary sense of power)
I then recognized the purpose of my anger: (to pull myself out of powerlessness on the subject), then isolated the thought that triggered the powerless feeling, "No matter what I do in this situation I will feel bad"

The 'problem' is meaningless except for the value it gives me in recognizing a belief, thought, vibration, that is not serving me.
By the way, I chose (not given earlier because not available out of the vortex, but fully apparent in the vortex)
Option #3, Feel good about the idea of taking them to school and then take them to school.
Then I went on a hike and did a focus wheel that started with: "I don't deserve my unlimited freedom if you (Brad) don't have it too."
It ended with, "You (Brad) are just as free as I am and there is no question of our worthiness to enjoy it"

Couples

I've been absent from the blog for several weeks while writing a book, and then another book.

I'll talk more about how perfect this book manifestation has been in my life, but for now, I have a subject that intrigues me that I'd like to share with you.

Kim Kardashian!

No, I'm not really kidding, because I always look at people through the lens of Law of Attraction, and this a great example to share, along with an excerpt from my counseling study guide about couples.

Here's an excerpt from the book  (meant for counselors)

Couples come to therapy because they believe the dynamic of their relationship is making them unhappy. 

Often they believe they need a third party to convince their partner that he/she needs to change.

They are struggling in some stressful situation and looking to each other for comfort, but neither is able to give it, so they blame each other.

The first step in establishing a paradigm shift in the couple is to say to each of them, “You are not responsible for your partner’s happiness.”  And

“Your partner is not responsible for your happiness.”

And as in all situations, the circumstance is not making you unhappy, your thoughts are making you unhappy.

When you ask someone else to behave in a way that will make you feel better, or when you say I cannot feel better until this problem is solved, that is the definition of conditional love.  You are saying, “I cannot love (be happy, be who I really am: a loving, whole, inspired, inspiring person) unless this condition changes.”

What if each partner was responsible for his/her own happiness?  If they truly assert their own power to make themselves happy, each partner would be with a happy person.  How would that partnership feel? 

What does it feel like to be in the presence of a happy person?  It feels joyous.  It feels fun and funny and spontaneous.  It feels real and free and powerful and tremendously loving.

What does it mean to make yourself happy within a relationship?

The word “selfish” comes up (from people who don’t know what it really means).

What does ‘selfish’ mean?  It means being fully your self.  Life is only experienced through self.

What are the wishes of each person within the relationship?  They were drawn together because they will mutually benefit each other and are a match in many ways.

Do they desire the same type of relationship?  Do they both desire monogamy?  Do they each desire children or not?  Do they desire a domestic life or an adventurous life? 

Let’s discuss the concept of seeking others’ approval.

Our society teaches a sort of value-by-approval system.  Early on, parents approve of behaviors and exhibit love and approval when we behave in a certain way, ie, when we do something that makes the parent feel good. It feels good to get their approval.  It feels bad to lose it. Conditional love.

We are then taught a grading system in school, which rates our behavior and our ability to perform according to our age and in comparison to others.  It feels good to get an A it feels bad to get a D.

We’re taught to compete and compare with one another for approval.

We’re taught that we can’t win the mate we want unless we look good enough or make enough money or have that ‘thing’ that gives us the upper hand over others.

We’re told we can’t compete in the job market unless we work hard and outperform others.  And people who make more money are respected more and have more power than people who make less. 

This societal training replaces our own natural inner sense of well-being and goodness and perfection with that of a fickle, transitory, endless, false seeking of others’ approval.

This is contrary to what we were born knowing; We were born as a perfect, whole, worthy expression of (source energy) God.  The idea of ‘earning’ value and love and well-being is a complete fallacy and illusion.

Within a couple, if you think you need to hold the approval of your mate in order to feel good you will be repeatedly disappointed with him and/or with yourself.

Think of the implications; you feel good when someone is gazing upon you with love.

You feel loved and deserving of that love.  This is especially apparent when you are ‘falling in love.’

What happens when his gaze is focused on work or other people in his life?  Or what happens when he is in a bad mood while focused upon you?

Are you no longer loved?  Are you no longer deserving of love?  Is he no longer holding up his end of the bargain? What’s wrong with him?

What’s wrong with you that he’s no longer focusing on you with adoration?

He cannot feel love while feeling frustrated or overwhelmed or guilty or powerless…  It has nothing to do with you!

The very idea of feeling good being reliant upon others’ behavior is doomed to heartache.  It’s a powerless, unnatural, painful state of being.

Freedom is the most important, most natural state for any individual.  Freedom is a sense of self-empowerment.

Let’s look at the perception of lack of freedom with in a relationship.  When someone feels trapped they seek freedom because they know freedom is their natural state of being.  A ‘trapped’ person confuses physical freedom with emotional freedom.

Real freedom is freedom of thought.  Freedom is feeling free to feel good no matter what.  Freedom is acting upon inspiration not motivation (taking action while feeling good, not taking action in order to feel good.)   Freedom is feeling responsible for one’s own emotions and not another’s.  Freedom is the antithesis of obligation.  Freedom is the ability to love unconditionally.   Freedom is belief in one’s own and in others’ unique, perfect path and the trust in well-being.

If this couple has decided they have desires which are in concert with one another, and that they value each other’s own responsibility for happiness, their partnership will thrive.

How do each of them “assert their own power to make themselves happy”?

1. Focus daily, hourly, moment-to-moment on feeling good by focusing on things to appreciate and by stopping negative thought.

2. When feeling bad, focus on thoughts that feel better.

3. Release your partner’s responsibility for your happiness.

4. Trust and respect your partner’s path and know that their experience is their own and does not have anything to do with your well-being.

5. Trust in your own well-being.

6. Release all impulses to control anything about your partner.

7. Makes lists of things you appreciate about your partner often.

8. Relish those moments when you both come together feeling wonderful.  Remember those moments.  Recall them throughout the day. 

9. Intend to have conversations only when feeling good.  Excuse yourself from any conversation in which you don’t feel good. Say, “I need some time to feel better (or get back to myself or back in the vortex, or back to God, or whatever sounds right to you)

10. Do things for one another out of inspiration, not motivation. (inspiration comes from within, motivation from without)

Never agree to do something for your partner in order to please her (and gain approval for you).  Say, ‘let me think about your request’; make yourself feel good; then consider the request. 

If you want to do it out of love and inspiration, do it.  If you don’t want to do it, lovingly decline.

  

In therapy, sometimes one member of the couple seems more open to suggestion, more willing to change.  Lead him or her in feeling good and the other will likely follow.

Feeling good is contagious.

  

If one or both of them are feeling angry (or vengeful), a one-on-one session is called for.

(refer to the Emotional Scale)

Anger is almost always an indication that the client has been feeling powerless.

The impulse to feel anger or rage or revenge is a natural movement toward feeling better.  Anger has energy, where powerlessness has none.  Anger (rage or revenge blame or even jealously) feels much better than guilt or grief or sadness or victim hood (powerlessness).

Powerlessness feels so bad because it is as far as one can get from his connection to his true self.

The goal when counseling a powerless-feeling person through anger and beyond, (ultimately to appreciation and love and empowerment), is to emphasize that this is a process of energy and thought (and faith and trust) within one’s self, and never one of action.

In couple’s therapy, the likely target for anger is the partner, since this is the issue that is most current. 

The partner need not know of any of the statements made.

If you can get the client to feel angry on purpose, and acknowledge that 1) he feels better, and 2) he felt better under his own power, this is the key to self-empowerment.

It doesn’t matter whether the statements of anger are justifiable or fair.  It only matters that the client feels a sense of relief.

A common scenario on the path toward feeling better: rage- revenge-anger- less anger…  Then blame.  Then disappointment.

These are simply statements made by the client which make him feel better. 

Have him make a statement and gauge how he feels.  If a statement doesn’t produce a feeling of relief, try another.  Once the feeling of relief is reached, have him make a few statements within that better-feeling place to solidify the feeling.

Everyone is different.  On the emotional scale you can see which emotions are better-feeling as you go up the scale.  It’s not possible to jump very far on the scale in one thought.  Have the client work his way up gradually.  The key is a feeling of relief.

After disappointment often comes frustration or impatience.  Statements of pessimism are often an illumination of possibility, if only for a moment.

Contentment is the key to “making peace with what is”.  Statements that reflect contentment acknowledge that things are not so bad and that there are good things about the relationship.  These are encouraging signs, which lead to hope and optimism and eagerness and ultimately, appreciation.

The ideal way to end a session that started with anger is to end with appreciation for the partner.

Feelings of appreciation and love are natural and life-giving and empowering.
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I'll keep following Kim's shows.  Yes, it's hard, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make in the name of research.  She may decide that this event was painful enough to warrant a look at the power of her own emotions  But if she doesn't, we'll likely see some more embarrassed/powerless manifestations.

Why Feel Better?

Why Feel Better?

To answer that, first ask: Why do people worry?

If you believe you must control circumstances in order to assure your well-being….

You must then believe your well-being is negotiable.  Unstable. Transitory. Conditional.

You must also believe there are random, unpredictable things to guard against,

Or you believe in scarcity and the concept of competing for limited resources,

Or you believe bad things may happen if you aren’t prepared.

Or you believe something bad will get worse,

Or you believe in the need for your constant effort to qualify,

Or you believe other people have control over your circumstances…

None of those things are real.  All of those thoughts are just thoughts which contradict your true nature and your true self.

You live in a state of constant diligence.  It’s as if you feel you can’t take your eyes off the road or you will crash.  Worrying is normal for you.  Worrying feels necessary.

Why would you make the effort to feel better if feeling better means taking your eyes off the road?

What if you were to believe that your well-being is assured?

What if you were to believe that your every request has been answered, but you have been unable to see them because your eyes have been on the road?

Worrying is the opposite of faith.

What would not worrying feel like?

Try it for a moment.

Try it again.

It feels very good, doesn’t it?

That’s who you really are.

Your Predictable Brain

Your brain has to do something.  It can't shut itself off.
(unless you do it on purpose during focused meditation, for instance.)

If you don't remind yourself to feel good, which is your natural state of being, this is what happens:

If left to its own devices, your brain is going to settle on thoughts which are familiar.
Also known as your set-point, when you notice something that doesn't feel good, there's a virtual groove carved in your brain that your brain skips to, as if on a record with a large groove.  Once settled into this groove, your thoughts don't vary from the theme. 
There are different set-points according to the subject at hand, but there may also be an overriding set-point about your life in general.
You then receive a steady stream of thoughts which justify the feeling.
What?  The thoughts justify the feeling, not the circumstance justifies the thoughts?

Ah hah!  The thoughts justify the feeling.  When you habitually skip to a thought of worry, for instance, your brain searches for reasons to back up this feeling.
In other words, the circumstance, or problem that has come to mind, has no current relevance other than to use as an excuse for feeling bad.
You remain on this train of thought until you get fed up with feeling bad and you accidentally pay attention to something that makes you feel better.
You feel better for a while, until something else catches your attention, triggers a negative thought, and off your brain goes to the negative groove.
This kind of life feels like an exhausting, powerless struggle.

Do you have a set-point of Worry?  Or Overwhelm?  Or Frustration?
The set-points may be diffferent for Work or Money or Relationships, etc.
A set-point of Worry attracts more things to you that make you worry.  A set-point of Frustration does the same.  A set-point of Overwhelm magnifies a feeling of scarcity and limitation.

Once you realize that the problems that seem to be making you feel bad are in fact the fuel your brain has chosen to feed a habit of thought...
You then become inspired to change the groove, or set-point.

Changing a set-point is easy.
1) Believe that feeling better will benefit you.  (see Why Feel Better?, coming next)
2) Focus on a troublesome thought, make yourself feel better about it, and your set-point, or groove, is changed.

You can create a positive groove; one of love and appreciation and eagerness and unlimitedness and creativity.  Keep raising your set-point on every subject that comes up and your life will be more joyous and exciting and enlivening and inspiring than you can imagine.

Unexpected, Perfect Manifestation

I've encountered a manifestation that blows my mind.
I've been wanting to teach the Law of Attraction, as I have been, but in a bigger way.
I've given seminars and classes and consulted one-on-one with a number of people.  All of those experiences were extremely satisfying, on a small scale.
I've also been on a continuous quest to know more through my experiences.

A couple of months ago I was contacted by a high school classmate (who really didn't know me) who had been reading my Facebook posts.  He just wanted to say how much he liked reading my status updates.  He also said he had read one of my blog posts which intrigued him enough to want to know more.

This classmate has a PhD in counseling and is a pastoral counselor for a hospital and works as a clinical psychologist seeing patients for couples therapy and grief counseling and job counseling and so on.  He acts as mentor for other counselors.

After some written exchanges and a phone call, he asked me to mentor him in his counseling practice and in his personal life.  This is as a result of my writings about, and our conversation about, the Law of Attraction.

The extent of the magnitude of this perfect manifestation for both of us is still becoming clear.

We have had many, many hours of communication by computer messaging and by phone conversations.
He has asked hundreds of questions which have stretched my ability to articulate the answers.  Yet they have come easily.
The joy that I get from these exchanges is so great, I literally feel shaky from the energy of the conversations.
Even though I'm giving the answers, I know more than I did before.
But what is extraordinary is the joy I get from his upliftment.  He is happier in his life.  His wife says that he is more energetic and happier.  He says that he is now a better counselor and a better mentor.

But the piece de resistance is that he is using his new counseling methods and getting instant results.
He is using these methods in his mentoring practice and getting renewed energy and optimism from the other counselors.
He asked me to write a counseling manual entitled 'A New Model for Counseling' which we just spent the last 11 hours writing together.

As a detail of amazement for me:  This man is Catholic, spent 3 years in seminary in preparation to become a priest (but decided to get married instead), and practices in the church.  I am and have always considered myself atheist (without religion).  The fact that our communications are so profound and so in agreement in a spiritual way has demolished my limited view of religion (and his limited view of non-religion).

I wanted an expanding, profound connection with someone (in addition to my husband!) who understood what I was saying.  I wanted a larger audience.  I wanted to learn more.  I wanted to be able to articulate the details in an easily understandable way.  I wanted to write a book.  All of these things have happened in a way I never expected in a million years.

I am so full of joy I can hardly stand it.

A New Level!

I know how to direct thought, feel better, then receive manifestations of that new emotional set-point.  I've been practicing and fine-tuning my thoughts consciously for two years now, and my life is just astonishing and fantastic and getting better all the time.

Three days ago I realized that even though I've consistently been feeling good, I've now reached a new, even-better-feeling set point.  And what's especially great is that it's been happening naturally, with no focused effort on my part.  Because it's now my set-point, my brain goes there easily and often.

What I noticed is I'm so easily pleased and amused and delighted.  I find so many things so funny.  The wittiest things to say at just the right moments come out of my mouth.
Watching a college football game between two teams I care nothing about is engaging and hilarious.
My kids are suddenly even cuter.  Their friends seem more charming to me. 
I have so much energy.  My gut is so calm (even when I see something I don't want!)
I have impulses to play and converse and clean stuff and tell people I love them.  And to be still.  With no agenda.  And to pet my cat for as long as he wants it.

The manifestations of this new level are glaringly apparent.
The normally grumpy lady in the checkout lane is joking and laughing with me.
Each of my kids want to lie on the couch with me and look in my eyes and talk about funny things for a while. (These are 9 and 10-year-old boys who have other things to do!)

Everything is so easy.  The great parking spots, the green lights, the helpful clerks, the great idea, the timely phone call giving me the perfect book reference, the great music everywhere...
Everyone I run into is in a good mood and wants to play and joke. 
Answers come even more easily.

At several different points during the last few days, my husband and I have been hanging out together, talking or not talking about nothing in particular for hours... while at the same time acknowledging the significance of how good it feels to actually live in the moment with each other.

The newness of this was not lost on us.  We, like most people, have been task-oriented.  In the past, we've had many long conversations, but they were full of purpose and intensity and goals of communication to achieve.  Even a conversation seemed to have an agenda and a sense of entertainment or intelligence value.  And then if the goals of the conversation have been reached, it's on to the next task.

In contrast, this new level of easy joy has been reflected in our way of interacting with each other for the last few days.  (Yes, all your relationships meet you where you are).
Overused phrases, but apt here in describing our conversations:  Being in the moment, being fully present, appreciating everything on a constant, subconscious level, having no time constraints, and having nothing to prove left us feeling even more appreciative of each other and of ourselves.

I'm not saying I didn't pop out of the vortex here and there over these last few days. 
I did, in fact have a wonderful few moments of feeling angry, which I used as my topic of focus (to do a Focus Wheel exercise) during my latest hike.
BTW, feeling angry almost always means you're feeling powerless about something.  Which always means you're thinking there is some circumstance you think you need to control...

I had had some small, residual thoughts about my 'worthiness', ie; if a manifestation is not here yet, I must be doing something wrong. 
That thought was an old long-held belief that I had been fine-tuning to the point now where it very rarely comes up. 
The subject was so easily and thrillingly resolved.  No kidding, when you feel a strong emotion, the purposeful moving of the energy back up to joy is an exhilarating thing.

The revelation for me about this new level of happiness is that it really is an effortless, natural state of being.  It's everyone's natural state of being. 
That's why it's so uncomfortable to feel worried or frustrated or sad.  It's so completely contrary to your self.
It took some practice to focus thoughts toward feeling better, but it's a joyful practice that continues to get easier and easier and better and better.